Iron Bru (the bottle used to say "made from girders", but then some bureaucrat made them change).
Roll your "R's" (listen to Tim Horton's Roll Up The Rim To Win commercial, old Billy Connelly recordings, or Robin Williams on golf ...).
Buy a Velcro wallet (because it screams every time you open it).
Learn every kilt joke in the world (don't worry - everybody you meet will insist on telling you one ...).
Smile politely at the punch lines of the jokes you've heard a million times, and try not to let on when you actually do hear one you don't already know (don't worry - rarely happens, if ever ... hmmm ... I sense a related thread opening soon ...).
The proper name is "Glasgow Kiss", and it's a lifesaver
(to avoid blood on your balmoral, glengarry, Kilmarnoch bonnet, Tam O'shanter, etc. it's prudent to remove headdress ... which reminds me - sew a straight razor into your glen)
When admiring a well-polished sporran, it's traditional to lift it higher so you can appreciate the workmanship (and so that when you let go, gravity "squares" things away ... ouch!)
Heather Cream (it's like Bailey's Irish Cream, except that the active ingredient is Scotch).
Which reminds me - Buy only marmalade made with Drambuie.
Know the difference between scones, baps, Eccles cake, tatties an' neeps, and bridies
(oh, that's just great - all this talk, and now I'm craving a Scotch egg ... sigh ...).
Learn how to bake shortbread using only butter and sugar (okay - a TINY bit of flour, if you must).
No - you can't have my Fraserburgh shortbread recipe - try these:
http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/9412/Recipe_Index.html
(and, the trick is to shape the dough into cylinders, and then refridgerate it overnight - the next day you'll be able to cut the cylinders into precise disk-shaped cookies - eliminates wasted dough ...)
Also let me know how your Aberdeen Butteries turn out.
Whilst practicing Highland dancing in the mess, laddies keep their jackets on, lassies remove their jackets, and the aim of "Strip The Willow" is to be able to propel unwary partners out the window ...
(ditto for the Eightsome Reel, Dashing White Sergeant, etc.)
The "Gay Gordons" is a civilised dance - learn how to do it, and you'll be a star at Scottish weddings.
Don't forget the skean dhu, tucked into your Lovatt or diced hose, worn with brogues
(not mere shoes. And, hockey shinpad straps are best for holding up your hose (see above), whilst permitting circulation to your calves and feet ...)
Know why you're saying "Ta awful muckle" instead of "thank you", and "tetched" instead of "crazy", and you're in ...
