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How to Cook a Christmas Turkey:
Step 1. Go buy a turkey
Step 2. Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3. Put turkey in the oven
Step 4. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6. Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7. Turn oven the on
Step 8. Take 4 whisks of drinks
Step 9. Turk the bastey
Step 10. Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14. Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15. Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16. Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17. Turk the carvey
Step 18. Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner!
Step 1. Go buy a turkey
Step 2. Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3. Put turkey in the oven
Step 4. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6. Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7. Turn oven the on
Step 8. Take 4 whisks of drinks
Step 9. Turk the bastey
Step 10. Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14. Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15. Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16. Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17. Turk the carvey
Step 18. Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner!
