Just some Police humor :)

[Cyr]

You Might Be a Cop if....
>
>
>You have the bladder capacity of five people.
>
>You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
>
>You believe that 25% of people are a waste of space.
>
>Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
>
>You call for a criminal check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
>
>Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
>
>You find humour in other peoples stupidity.
>
>You have your weekends off planned for a year.
>
>You believe that shallow gene pool should be grounds for arrest.
>
>You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
>
>You plan what you're going to have for dinner whilst loading your firearm.
>
>You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it
>sure is quiet around here".
>
>Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a
>computer can track.
>
>You believe that donuts and chocolate are a food group.
>
>Having a beer at 7am seems relaxing.
>
>You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right
>the first time".
>
>You believe "Too stupid to Live" should be a valid court outcome.
>
>You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin to laugh
>uncontrollably.
>
>You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who is in charge of
>this mess anyway?"
>
>When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group.
>
>You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
>
>Your prisoner states "I have no idea how I got here" - and neither have
>you.
>
>It occurs to you, suddenly one night, that you are policing the twilight
>zone.
>
>Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
>
>You believe in aerial spraying of prozac.
>
>You nodded and laughed at all of the above.

 

[Slim]

ROFLMAO

How about;

When doing traffic stops ending every sentence with the word "meow!" (true story, I have frinds in West Virginia who told me about doing taffic stops and "meowing" people, just to get a reaction! ;D

My personal favourite of the moment is, while on a static traffic post, people who stop in the middle of busy interstions to tell you what a great job you're doing and tying up the road for miles behind them! :rage: Or asking for directions in the same intersection (which is worse...Especially when you find out later on that they put in a police complaint against you because you didn't stop and drop everything else just to tell them!)

 

[Scott]

here's a shot at the cops from the firefighters:

How Firefighters identify a HAZMAT Chemical using the TriCop-Scope Method:

1. Officer standing/Car running: Not hazardous

2. Officer unconscious/Car running: Toxic fumes

3. Officer unconscious/Car stalled: Oxygen displacing chemical

4. Officer/Car both melting: Acidic chemical

5. Officer/Car on fire: Extremely flammable

Play nice, lads, it's only a joke.... ;D

 

[mpitts]

Just to add some fuel to the fire a little......a little joke my wife told me. (her dad being a retired fire fighter)

How do you know you are sitting beside a fire-fighter???

HE will tell you.  ;D

Again just some light humour.

 

[GO!!!]

After pulling a woman in a minivan over for the grievous offence of driving 42kmh in a 40kmh zone;

MP: Licence, registration, proof of insurance please

Woman: I seem to have left my purse at home, all I have with me is my courthouse pass and bar association card, will that do?

MP: (backing slowly away) of course! Have a nice day!

 

[Slim]

Cute:
POLICE HARASSING PEOPLE

Recently, the Toronto Police Services board ran an e-mail forum (a
question and answer exchange with the topic
being "Community Policing.")

One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt Berezowski a cop
with a sense of humor (or reality) replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy.  In Toronto we
average one cop for every 600 people.  Only
about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to
as "patrol") where we do most of our
harassing.  The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow
them contact with the day to day
innocents.  And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60%
patrollers are on duty and available for harassing
people while the rest are off duty.  So roughly, one cop is responsible
for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that
attract people from other areas, sometimes
you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing
10,000 or more people a day. Now, your
average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long.  This gives a cop one
second to harass a person, and then only
three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to
harass.  This is not an easy task.  To be
honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out.  It
is just too tiring.

What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people
whom we can realistically harass.  The tools
available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment.
"My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we often use.  This
means we'll come out and give some
special harassment.  Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking
into a house" or "So and so has a grow op".
The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.  They
like to harass the drivers of fast cars,
cars with no insurance or no drivers license and the like.  It's lots of
fun when you pick them out of traffic
for nothing more obvious than running a red light.  Sometimes you get to
really heap the harassment on when you
find they have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as
running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny.  When you
catch them you can harass them for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONE or CARS and have nothing better to
do, there are actually books that give us
ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal
Codes, Motor Vehicle, Liquor Act, etc...
They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess
with people.  After you read the statute,
you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating
one of these listed offences and harass
them.  Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window.  Well, there's
this book we have that says that's not
allowed.  That meant I got permission to harass this guy.

It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty
well. I seem to have a never-ending supply of
folks to harass.  And we get away with it.  Why?  Because for the good
citizens who pay the tab, we keep the
streets safe for them.  Next time you are in my town, give me a single
finger wave.

That's another code word.

 

[Thompson_JM]

another Jab at the Firefighters.... though I do appreciate all the Emergency services.


What do you call a Night shift ride along at the Fire Department?

- A Sleep Over

 

[CBH99]

Little bit of paramedic humour for ya...

Q.  Why do the immobilization harnesses used to extract patients from cars have colour coded straps on them?

A.  So even firefighters can use them!!

 

[Clay Pigeon]

LOL!

This post actually reminded of a list called "You're in the Army when...." posted by an ex-RCR member.  Downright hilarious.  Can be found at

http://durtydan.paintballresource.org/www.durtydan.com/ddalp/ddalpmain.html

And as an addendum to the IV drip line, it's no longer coffee.....it's Red Bull!

 

[Scott]

Murphy's Laws for firefighters:

If it's a stupid idea but works, it isn't stupid.
Never work at a fire that is braver than you.
All fire fronts 1 hour away, will arrive in 30 minutes.
Try to look unfit, they may be running out of people for the rake hoe line.
A fireball has the right of way.
Anything you do will be wrong, including doing nothing.
If you put out more fire than you are asked too, you will be given more fire to put out.
You will always have more fire than you do water.
With a little organization, chaos can be assured.
If one item is hard to get, make sure you grab three.
If you grab a brush hook instead of a rake hoe, you will need the rake hoe.
The distance from a piece of equipment you need, is directly proportional to the urgency in which you need it.
It is easier to receive forgiveness than permission.
When accused, admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter accusations.
Success forgives all sins.
You will run out of pump fuel, just as the main front is approaching.
That firebreak you spent all night constructing, is in the wrong place.
Any wind blows no good.
Your biggest save will have no witnesses.
Your biggest mistake will have hundreds of witnesses.
When you need to put in a quick back burn, nobody will have a match.
The person who contributed least to the fire fighting effort, will be the only one interviewed on the six o-clock news.
No matter how bad things get, it will look much worse on TV.
The area maps you have will be the wrong ones.
Reinforcements will arrive, as soon as the fire is contained.
No plan survives the first contact"

And you might be a volunteer if....

Your two way radio transmissions all begin with "Breaker, Breaker"
You have ever been dispatched to a working "cow" fire
You ever put out a cow chip fire
Your PASS alarm goes "Yeee Haw"
You dispatch center ever said "Y'all can't miss it"
You used your rescue air bags as furniture at the fire station
You refill your air bottles at the local gas station "Free Air" hose
Your department has a Rescue Bubba and a Rescue Cow for training
You only wash down the floor in the station to "keep the dust down"
Your radio call signal is "Wheee doggies"
You have to mark the department out of service two weeks during deer season and every Sunday during the Winston Cup Race
You bought a computer so you could get NASCAR Online on the Internet
You count reading fire magazines in the bathroom as training hours
Your last four fire department raffles were for a shotgun...and a member won it each time.
You borrowed the department's quick dump tank so you could have a neighborhood pool party
Your safety officer is the person who broke his arm at the last house fire
Your rehab consists of a cold beer and a pack of "nabs"
Your last serious fire was your fire department BBQ
You used your "good" fire house as a bumper on your boat dock
You have a shotgun rack in the back of your fire truck....and got two bucks on your last call
Your Hurst tool is on loan to the local body shop
You use a hanging noose knot for all your rescue operations because it's real adjustable
You don't allow a person to join the department unless they own a pickup
You wore a hole in your fire boots....while wearing them at your full time job
You keep 2 packs of "Red Man" in your turnout gear for "emergencies"
Your departments brush truck doubles as your hunting truck
You voted against the last person for chief because he was a Gordon fan
You painted your new rescue truck to look like Earnhardt's race car
You borrowed the fire truck to use the spotlights for deer hunting
The directions to your last house fire was "Go down past the last house you burnt up"....and you know exactly which house they are talking about
You ever went diving in a swimming pool with your SCBA equipment.....just to see how it would work
You must take the battery out of your tractor to put in the fire truck before you go on calls
Your preacher borrows your PASS alarms each Sunday for church to keep the congregation awake
You consider "2 in and 2 out" to be two guys in the cab and two on the tailboard of the truck
The last girl you kissed was named Rescue-Annie and you enjoyed it so much you are thinking seriously about asking her out
Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing while going to a scene
You have naked lady mud-flaps on your pumper
Your firehouse has wheels
You've ever got back and found you've locked yourself out of the firehouse
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire get'n drunk
You've ever been toned out on an out house fire also if that out house fire was with entrapment
You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt there ground
Your personal vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it
You've ever walked through a Christmas display and walked away with at least 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck
Your rescue truck can smoke the tires
Your department's name is misspelled on your equipment
The nurses and doctors turn out the lights and hide when you show up at the hospital to get your equipment
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing
The local news crew won't put your department on T.V. because you embarrassed them last time.
You've ever locked the keys in your trucks
You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy
Your defibrillator consists of a marine battery, a pair of jumper cables, and a fish finder
You've ever taken a girl out in a pumper
Your pumper has been on fire more times than it's been to a fire
Your pumper smokes more than the house fire
You've ever been arrested for indecent exposure at a house fire
You've ever called it quits on a house fire when the beer got hot
You've ever been late to a house fire because you had to stop and get the guy who fell off the truck
You've ever stopped in route to pick up a road kill
You hand out spit cans before each meeting
You have a sign out front of your station that says will fight fires for beer
Your equipment has chew stains down the sides of 'em
Everyone on your department is related in some way or another
Your annual vacation plans depend on where the state EMS conference is held.
You have as many ambulances in town as you do EMTs.
You thought your first ambulance " run " would be a 5K.
You think that the ABCs stand for " Always Being on Call. "
When you are unsure of which pager went off and what you were on call for.
Your patient is standing at the curb with suitcase in hand waiting for a ride.
Your patients are either family or friends, but maybe not both.

And just to add a jab at the other emergency services....today at work we tied one of the guys into the crapper. While he was in there we rigged up a blowgun out of some hose then filled it with talcum powder from our BA room, once this was done we hooked a Ska bottle to the whole works, shoved the business end under the bathroom door and cracked the valve!! All we heard was, "You frigging bastards!"

Frosty lives in my firehouse!!

 

[The_Falcon]

Actually Slim, what you posted is one of those Insert Police Service hear kinda deals, someone on Blueline posted it WRT to the LAPD

 

[Slim]

Actually Slim, what you posted is one of those Insert Police Service hear kinda deals, someone on Blueline posted it WRT to the LAPD

Ya I don't doubt it. However my platoon sgt e-mailed it to me and I laughed for a good 10 minutes or so...And figured that if I could laugh that hard so could everyone else.

Cheers

 

[The_Falcon]

Ya I don't doubt it. However my platoon sgt e-mailed it to me and I laughed for a good 10 minutes or so...And figured that if I could laugh that hard so could everyone else.

Cheers

No problem

 

[Fraser.g]

The first year that I started working in the local ER we had shirts made up.

On the front was a stylized logo of a police shield, Crossed ladder and axe of the fire department and the star of Life with Saskatoon City Emergency Services in a wreathe around the logo.

On the back was the simple message

YOUR STUPIDITY IS MY JOB SECRUITY

HAVE A NICE DAY

 

[Slim]

That shirt must have made you all popular!

 

[Fraser.g]

For the most part we wore the shirts under our scrubs. This way, those who knew, knew that we were wearing them and those who did not only saw a plain T Shirt ;D

GF

 

[Slim]

For the most part we wore the shirts under our scrubs. This way, those who knew, knew that we were wearing them and those who did not only saw a plain T Shirt ;D

GF

In the short time I've been with the Aux a few T-shirt slogans have come to mind!

 

[zipperhead_cop]

Its the little things that make the job fun.  Like going into a white trash domestic where everyone is going nuts on each other.  The other officers are taking care of things, so you take some time to crouch down and talk to the two year old hiding under the dining room table in broken glass in bare feet and you teach him how to say "job security".  Man, you can't buy that sort of excellent irony!  No?  To dark?

 

[gate_guard]

A return shot at firefighters:

What's a work week for firefighters?

Three barbeques and a sleepover. >

 

[Scott]

Bad Cop, No Donut! (Bumper sticker seen in Halifax)