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Leaving Children For Training, Etc. -Merged

  • Thread starter Thread starter REJ
  • Start date Start date
A modified truth is the best way IMHO.

When I went to the Ghan last year I explained to my 3 and 4 year old that Daddy was going to work in a "Special Hospital" because there were some bad people who wanted to hurt people and daddy's friends were going to stop them.

At those ages there is no concept of time. They live in the present, if you are gone for a while, you are gone.

GF
 
Several here including CdnArty wife have it right. Your spouse's reaction is the key. If she is distraught, weeping always talking about how hard it is to cope without you then the 2 year old will mimic her feelings and actions. They have no concept of time but in order for her to remember you and keep you in her thoughts send her letters and talk to her on the phone.
When I went to Cyprus in 93 I set up a map on the wall in the kitchen at their height (they were 3 and 6) and my wife and they would locate where daddy was or where he talked about in letters (no email then) by putting pins on the map. As someone else mentioned we told them it was just like going to the field.

Kids need routine and disrupting that routine can upset them a lot. My wife did not come to the bus to see me off with the kids or meet me when I came home. I went to work as normal in the morning and kissed them all goodbye. We didn't have prolonged tears or sappy goodbyes and we didn't do that when I got home either. I came home and kissed them all hello and I fit back into their routine and didn't impose myself into what had worked very well while I was away. My three year old stuck pretty close to me for the first few days when I got home but he adjusted well after a while.

When I sailed on the ships we did the same thing and it all worked very well. They were teens by then and were very helpful with Mom when I was away and accepted it as our family lifestyle.

 
Here is my take for what it is worth....tell them that Daddy is away and show them their picture daily so they remember what they look like

I was a miitary brat and my father was away for 12 of my first 13 birthdays and I always knew that he would come home

When I went to Bosnia in '01 I had a 5 year old and a 1 year old....my wife always had a pic that the kids said goodnight to and when I came home on my HLTA my daughter knew who I was and it wasn't a big deal...a little harder on my son who was 5 as I took him everywhere with me but he adapted as kids do

Get on with it and keep a daily routine and they will adapt..
 
Wow this is taking me back a few years.  When my daughter was little she would colour daddy a picture and we would walk to the mailbox and mail it or find funny miss you cards and she would colour in those.  It became a daily ritual every time he went away.  I just made sure to print address labels and by lots of stamps.  That way he would get lots of mail and she would still feel that connection.  Good luck!
 
One night time rutine that we stuck to when I was away was, each night my kids would blow a kiss to the moon before they went to bed. I explained that where ever I was, I was looking up at the same moon and that moon would bounce the kiss back to me.

It helped them keep a connection.

As for the pics, in this world of Email, it is too easy to send updated pictures home. My oldest had one beside her bed and the younger moved her picture depending on how pissed off she was with my absence.
It started on her bedroom door, moved to the foot of her bed facing away from her, then under her bed, and finaly on the wall beside her head.

It took a crow bar to get her off my lap on my return.
 
I remember when I was a navy brat, I barely remember my dad. He was always out on NATO. When he came home, it was hard for him and myself to adjust to each other. But as a kid...after a few days of him gone. You don't even notice him gone... your more worried about getting that cool toy in day care. I just wish him and I "connected" a tad more. Now he is out with PTSD and him and I always clash until I found out.

Kids are very important. Make sure they know where the old man is. My little guy thinks I own the army. Gee..when we drove by the Armour School he thought I own all the Leopards.... ah yeah...dad owns those tanks.. just play along and enjoy parnet hood. PS. Don't tell my Armour Friends... they will be jealous. ;D
 
TN2IC said:
Kids are very important. Make sure they know where the old man is. My little guy thinks I own the army. Gee..when we drove by the Armour School he thought I own all the Leopards.... ah yeah...dad owns those tanks.. just play along and enjoy parnet hood. PS. Don't tell my Armour Friends... they will be jealous. ;D

Or maybe ask you for a posting. ;)

One of my bosses a few years back told us he always told his daughter he was "going away to make penny's."Aparently she went to school telling everyone her dad made all their pennys they had. ;D
 
In our family, we are now have the surviving 4th generation of CF children.  My dad was the son of a Royal Marine who during the war, was a POW in Burma.  My dad didn't hear from his father from 1941 until 1945 when the camps were liberated.  Before my granpa left for the far east, he told my dad to look for pennies on the street and when he saw one, he was to pick it up and know that was a signal that his dad was thinking about him.  By the time my granpa got home, my dad had a whole jar of pennies near his bed and when he missed his father, he'd just look at all the pennies and know his dad was thinking about them.  (my grandma told me years later that with all the shortages during the war, that sometimes she'd have to resort to dropping a penny or two outside the close so my dad would find them.) My mom's dad was an RCHA who also was gone during the war and it was jusr expected back then for the kids to deal with it. 

When my dad joined the Navy, he used to sail from Jan until Nov every year.  Back in those days, all we had were letters, a monthly telegram and the odd phone call when they hit port.  My dad introduced the penny to his children and we each have a jar of pennies and coins by the time he got back.  Once I found a ten dollar bill on my birthday and boy, did that make me feel special! (mom carefully placed it for me to find - but hey I was 8.)  My dad would also speak to my teachers before he left and he'd get copies of all our school assignments to take with him.  When he did call, my mom would be waiting patiently to speak to her husband as he went through each of his children's homework questions with each child. Sometimes my mom would only get a few seconds to speak to dad before the call was over but for us kids, the call meant everything.  When I was very little, I used to think my dad was magical as he always knew what we were doing in school before we told him.  We would never see the ship, plane or train leave, but we'd always be there to welcome my dad home.  My mom felt that the goodbyes were too hard on the kids and I tend to agree with her. The welcome homes were always such fun. We'd make cakes, and cook like it was Christmas, all the relatives would come over (they'd end up taking us kids home with them so my parents could have their own time alone).

When it came to my own kid, there was a service couple in the works now instead of just one parent.  We had to work extra hard at smoothing things for the kid.  I introduced the penny idea as well, and once again there were always jars of pennies when we each got home.  I did the homework calls just as my dad did, we went armed with lots of story time stories to read over the phone (in our case it was recite).  When hubs was away, we'd always pick one spectacular place to visit once a week whether it be the shoreline at sunset, a forest, a farm, castles, or chalk drawing.  We felt it was important for the kid to experience good stuff during a deployment or overseas posting.  It also gave the kid something to be excited about when she got her phone call or wrote her letter.  If you task the kid now what they remember about deployments, they remember the trips and outings. 

Now we have grandchildren who have just said goodbye to dad as his prepares to do a NATO sail.  Mom is also a CF member.   Before dad left, we made a special jar to collect the pennies.  So far, they have found a penny for every day daddy has been gone.  They know that dad was thinking about them and while finding the penny, they stopped and thought about daddy. 

There an excellent book out called," A Paper Hug" which was written by an American service mom/grandmother.  We also used the idea of making and giving the grandkid's daddy a paper hug to take with him.  He did one up too.  It's a tracing of the person's hands tied onto a ribbon and when you are missing the person, you have a paper hug.  (it has to be supervised because of the ribbon for smaller kids). 

The key, I think in my family that we discovered on being able to cope with deployments etc, is that deployments are the norm.  We don't look at them as being unusual or different but rather as just part of our lives.  Now I have to admit that in our family, we've had a bucket load of experience being passed down but I can honestly say, that I don't have any angst with my dad being gone so much, my kid with me and hopefully we won't with the grandkids.   
 
This summer my son will turn 3 and I haven't been home for one of his birthdays yet.
We just go and buy a cake and a few small presents for him and he gets to have another birthday with his mommy and daddy.

Somebody else stated in another post its usually harder on the parent being away on course or deployed, I wholeheartedly agree.

When I am not totally immersed in the books here at CFANS, I start thinking about him and the wife and I get lonely, but then I think about
why I am doing this and it gets a little better.

My son once in awhile asks where I am and my wife tells him Daddy's at work and he just says " Oh ok, when he coming home"

I get to hear him when I call home and when he's not in a mood he will talk to me, and thats when I get all choked up.

Just talking about it makes me miss him.
 
I think these are all great answers.  We're in the middle of our third tour now.  The first time my husband left, we had 2 children, a 23 month old, and a 1 week old.  While it was hectic for me, it was great in the sense our two year old really wasn't aware of the time at all.    The second tour was more difficult for me, by that time we had three children and they were 5,3, and 1.  Again, the two youngest ones weren't really aware of the amount of time daddy was gone, but the oldest  definitely knew daddy wasn't around, but really wasn't able to understand why/where daddy was gone.  The third time around they are 11, 9, and 7.  In many ways, its harder for them at this age.  They are old enough to know Daddy's gone, and to know that the time seems like forever.  But far worse then that, they are also old enough to know where he is, and that it's dangerous.  We talk about Daddy all the time, they have pictures of him in there room, and they usually get to talk to him once a week.  He also sends them their own e-mails, and they love that.  I really think the deployment program in the school has made a huge difference to them, and they all look forward to going.  I'm also a firm believer in life goes on, and we carry on the same way we do when Daddy is home.  I think it makes a huge difference how we as parents react.  I try not to let my kids see me worry or stressed, because then they will worry more and get stressed.  I'm very fortunate, all 3 are in school all day, so I have time alone to deal with any issues I might have.  We also spend a lot of time talking about Afghanistan, and the Taliban.  They are old enough to ask a lot of questions, and I try to be as honest with them as I can when I answer them.  I'd much rather they come to me for the answers then get them on the playground from their friends.  When the soldiers died last month, I told our children right away, so that they would know their daddy was safe.  I certainly didn't want them hearing it on the radio or from their friends outside, because they would have, it's happened before.
 
Fellow Members...

I've been thinking on and off over the last few days, about making a post here in which fellow parents out here may be able to help. As for myself, my journey toward applying to the CF is closer than it ever has been before. I have took the time to read about the trades I am interested in, and met with one of the Recruiters at a Unit in Hamilton I am interested in applying for... 705 Communications Squadron (I did not even consider Sig Op's, but I had called them to meet with them, as I have 6 years experience working in Communications right now) My first choice is still Med Tech, Reserve Force though. I did enjoy meeting with the Recruiter for the 705 very much though, so that is my second choice! But, alas... when I really do think about it since my Nursing Degree is my ultimate goal... this is why I have put down the Med Tech as my first choice.

Well, here is my ulitmate question. Any replies here are much appreciated or PM is appreciated very much also. When it comes down to the time where I leave my daughter who is 7 yrs old, for a short time to go to BMQ... anyones words for me would be worth their weight in gold on how to talk with your children to prepare them for when you are gone away. She is already accustomed to me being away from home alot now as it is with working several shifts a week, but I have never gone that long period of time, without spending time with her. I want to ensure that I prepare her, in the best way possible for not spending time with Mom for a while.

Thank You as always, Rebecca
 
We have had a crazy kind of life, especially the last two years.  The most important thing, I think, is the attitude and behaviour of all of the adults.  This includes everyone who has contact with your child (both parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.)  If the children hear a whole bunch of "you poor thing, your mommy's away," or overhear the grownups complaining about how hard it is going to be on them, or whatever, then they (the children) will figure out that this situation is bad and will react accordingly.

I know when I am away, my husband plays the "bad" parent, and lets them do all kinds of things that they don't usually do when I am around.  (Like watching a movie in our bed, complete with popcorn!)  He doesn't go crazy, and it's little treats like that, not enough to corrupt them.  The biggest thing is the "sell" to the kids.  (the "don't tell mommy" pitch, but they always tell me anyway ;))  That makes them appreciate the "daddy only" time, without a focus on "no mommy."

Good luck.
 
I spoke to a child phychologist regarding the impacts to my son while im away in basic. He is only 5yrs old and i have never been apart from him more than a two week period. So 3.5 months in basic is going to be a challenge for all, i am sure. The physchologist recommended keeping all of his routines as normal. So if he gets a bedtime story each night, to have the guardian do that for him as well. Or bath each night etc. Also to keep him active and busy so he doesnt have time to dwell on missing me as much. And she also mentioned that having some pictures taken of the two of us right before i leave and telling that anytime he misses me he can look at the picture and remember i will always be with him, that im just away for work right now, but will be home soon. My partner and i also got him his own cell phone, one of those kids ones from Telus that you can program 4 numbers into it only and he can only call them and they can only call him. That way when he misses one of us or just wants to talk he can call..and if we dont answer we will return the call when we get time. He understands that he can leave messages on our voice mail, and can call anytime.  I will be in basic and wont be able to answer all his calls if any, but i will do my best to call him as frequently as possible and to stay strong while talking to him. The child pyschologist said that the best thing is to maintain in control of your own emotions, especially if the child starts to cry on the phones. It is important for the child to not see the parent upset as he could take that in a bad context and think he caused the sadness etc. Children are very intuitive to what their parents are feeling, keep that in mind when you talk with them over the phone.
 
Thank you for your time, in sharing your experiences... very much appreciated and quite a bit of good advice to keep in mind :) I'll definately be referencing back here to your words.

~Rebecca
 
While, I am not actually deployed, I still will be away from my wife & son for 6 months.

My 4 year old son Noah is currently going to the MFRC daycare in Esquimalt and the MFRC is running a workshop once a week
to help younger children deal with their parent(s) deployment, and how it makes them feel.

Once a week I get a letter with some "art" from him, on top of all the stuff the wife sends, and does it ever brighten my day.

My wife says that since he started these workshops, he doesn't get as sad about me being gone and talks about his feelings
towards me being gone.

I just wanted to thank the MFRC for helping my son with understanding why "Daddy" can't be home with him.

Cheers
 
Do any of you (CF members) find that some people disapprove of the fact that you have to leave your kids for sometimes months at a stretch while you are away on courses or deployments? If so, how do you deal with it?

I've found that while most people are supportive of my choice to join the military and understand that the future will be better (financially as well as in other ways) for both myself and my daughter, others seem to have difficulty with the concept that I am leaving her for long periods of time to go away on training. Make no mistake - I am having trouble with the concept as well. It's not easy to leave your 9-year-old child for months at a time (as many here know)! I am going to miss her tremendously! However, the guilt I already feel is being compounded by the fact that some folks are insinuating that I am abandoning my child or that I am selfish for going away and leaving her for so long. Mostly, the comments are along the lines of "Humph! I could never leave my child for that long. I don't know how you can do it." Then there's the "you suck as a mom" look on the person's face.  :-\

My fiance is in the military and has kids, so he gets it. Most of my friends know that this is a positive step for me and will give my daughter a better life in the long run, so they are supportive. My daughter's father and his wife are also supportive, and they have offered to look after her while I'm away on training next year. So she will be with her father and his family (grandparents, cousins, etc.), not with someone she barely knows. I also feel to an extent that it is his turn. He went to England to teach for 6 years! No one said a word about him abandoning his daughter then. Now I am going to be away for a year or more (with a few trips home in between phases, hopefully) and I am suddenly a selfish and neglectful mother in the eyes of some.

I know that I should let it roll off my back, but it does make me feel bad to hear the comments and see the disapproving looks. I can just imagine what it will be like if I am actually deployed somewhere in future years. Has anyone here experienced this, and if so, what did you say to the people who made the comments?
 
Celticgirl,
Forget soldiers... what about traveling sales types & truckers ???
They live outa a suitcase, truck bunks.  They are away from home for weeks at a time and if they are married to a good person, then the kids will grow up to be good people.... if the marriage goes to hell, it's just as well that things come apart at the seams the sooner the better.
 
This is a common occurrence in the CF.  It has been happening for over sixty years.  The problems you are about to be facing have been faced by thousands of Servicemen and women since the 1950's.  In fact, you have better support networks set up for you today than they did way back then.  All they had were friends and family, hopefully someone within close proximity.  Today, there are many organizations within Units, and Bases, to support the Family. 

Postings in the 1950's and 1960's, for all personnel, averaged every four years.  Not so today.  You can people today who have not been Posted in twenty years. 

There are no excuses.  These are old facts of life in the CF, however, today the CF has a wide variety of support networks, that never existed as little as fifteen years ago.
 
Do what's best for your family, and to hell with what anyone thinks. Family always comes first.

Cheers
 
George Wallace said:
There are no excuses.  These are old facts of life in the CF, however, today the CF has a wide variety of support networks, that never existed as little as fifteen years ago.

I don't think you understood the main point of my thread. I have accepted that this is the way it is going to be, and I am far from making any excuses. I'm committed to my new career and everything that comes with it. I just want to know how others deal with intrusive negative comments about leaving their children for long periods of time.
 
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