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Well, to go along with my other pieces of advice to NP's, I've decided that perhaps I should attempt to assist my fellow EP's.
Since pre-historic times (and possibly even earlier, we don’t know since nobody bothered to write it down - hence the name. But I digress.), man has engaged in strenuous physical exercise to prepare himself for the rigours of warfare. Over the centuries, many different theories have been propounded, tested, discarded, re-examined, poked, prodded, and otherwise treated like an EP on his over-35 medical exam. Strangely, many EPs are still out of shape. Why? If we ignore the tendency of EPs to utilize coffee-drinking and cigarette smoking as the backbones of their morning exercise regimens, we must conclude that standard, conventional exercises are ineffective in conditioning the human (or EP) body for the postures, movements, and exertions peculiar to the demands of the EP lifestyle. I have, therefore, devised an exercise program specifically tailored to the Infantryman.
The following exercises have been designed to be performed in the typical day of any soldier in Garrison, and can even be utilized in the usual business day for those Reservists out there who wish to attain the physical attributes of an EP. The Reservist may simply employ one or more of the following exercises during coffee breaks, or lunch hours, or any other time the boss may be out of the building. This is because. While PT is the beginning of the average EP’s workday, my research shows that the typical Militia soldier simply doesn’t have the time to work out in a gym, since he is working two jobs to pay for all of the “Gucci” kit that he buys, to replace the free items issued to him by the Crown. Not to mention the expensive paraphernalia that allows him to purchase his “Gucci” kit in the first place - fur coats, jewellery, and the like. Otherwise, there is no way his spouse would allow any more camouflaged items and knick-knacks in the house.
Some of the exercises have been designed to condition the EP psychologically for the ordeals encountered in the field. It is a well-known, and much documented, fact that a soldier’s mind surrenders to hardship well in advance of his body. This doesn’t particularly help the mind much, since it can’t very well simply give up and return to the patrol base, to wait for the body to stumble in. On the other hand, occasionally the body will give up before the mind. “C’mon!” The mind will say. “The objective is only another 2000 meters!” And the body will reply “Go hard, buddy. I’m sittin’ right here until you get back.” The trick is to have both body and mind collapse simultaneously. This is the purpose for the exercises I have designed.
Remember to get a check-up before engaging in any new exercise program. Should the doctor break into gales of laughter during the exam, don’t believe her story about just having remembered a funny episode of “Seinfeld.” Just forget the whole thing, and take up heavy drinking. It won’t make you any fitter, or a better soldier, but you won’t care, anyway.
Now, we must first determine your current level of physical fitness. Here is a test you can perform in your own barracks room or home: Strip off all of your clothes, and lie down on the floor. (If you are a female, have photos taken and submitted to the author, in order to verify your test results.) Now, push yourself up into a handstand. If you have trouble holding yourself in the handstand position, you may wish to have someone hold your feet for you. I would suggest carefully screening this person, (and searching them for cameras) as my research has shown conclusively that only one person in twenty-three thousand can hold a straight face while also holding the feet of a naked man who is standing on his head. Simply ignore any unseemly, and unscientific displays of mirth from your helper. Furthermore, a sharp word, delivered in the tone of authority, should serve to repress the natural human urge your helper will experience to tickle your feet, or behind your knees.
It would be best for you to simply learn to stand on your head unaided.
Now, note your physical responses. If the blood pounds in your ears and behind your eyeballs, you have difficulty breathing and you are overcome by nausea, you have nothing to worry about. These are symptoms of a minor malady frequently experienced by those persons of middle age, which is middle age. (If you are experiencing these symptoms, but are not yet middle-aged, you should start worrying. Also exercising and dieting.) However, if, on top of the other symptoms, everything suddenly goes dark, or worse, dark and muffled, than you have a serious problem - your belly fat has slipped down and covered your head. Persons experiencing this phenomena should immediately begin the exercise program outlined below. Females who have no symptoms aside from losing their vision are simply well-endowed in the pectoral/mammary area, and should immediately submit photographs to the author.
Note: The field situations described below are simply generic situations the author has found himself in, and are for comparison purposes only. You may experience greater or lesser misery depending entirely on where/when you go to the field, and on how sadistic and/or simple-minded your chain of command is. Here, then, are the exercises:
The Ice-Breaker
For this exercise you will need a pan of water, a ball point pen, and a large quantity of ice. Put the ice in the pan of water and let chill for an hour. Stick your hands in the water until they are totally numb. Now, jerk your hands out of the ice water (without striking them on the desk or tabletop. Should you do so, it may take several minutes for you to find the fingers that break off and roll under the nearest items of furniture, thus allowing too much time for your hands to warm up, thereby negating the entire exercise.) and try to disassemble and reassemble the ballpoint pen in three seconds. This will give you the dexterity required to reload your weapon for a quick shot in the freezing rain, after your BFA has loosened off and the magazine spring has failed due to old age, and the entire platoon is expending all ammo on the ambush position, except you, meaning you will have to carry far more weight than they, and you just know everyone is going to be running as fast as they can to get away from the ambush site.
Or it may simply give you frostbite. Which is alright too, since every Canadian infantryman should be able to shoot with frostbite. And frostbitten fingers is a sign of the EP, since he was going on Winter Exercises before the invention of Gore-Tex, Polar Fleece, or polypropylene. Remember troops, part of the ever-elusive LCF is frostbitten fingers and toes. If you can lose one, even better! If you find again, I don’t suggest throwing it away just for the LCF. Have the medic re-attach it.
Spend some time standing in the pan of ice water, as well. Although at first your fellow soldiers, or office-mates may think you eccentric, have no fear. They will soon start ignoring you completely and avoiding you whenever possible. Your concentration will thus be unbroken by idle chit-chat. And it takes quite a bit of concentration to stand in a pan of ice water for any length of time, so it all works out.
Every other day, instead of standing in the pan, sit in it instead. If your WO, or office supervisor asks you why, tell him it improves concentration and productivity. Who knows? Maybe everyone else in the platoon, or office will have to sit in pans of ice water! And misery shared is misery halved. It allows you to feed on the weak. Remember, troops, eat your weakest man and carry on with the mission.
To more accurately simulate field conditions, have a buddy sneak up behind you periodically and dump the pan of ice water down your back of your neck. If possible, have him dump a separate pan, while you are still sitting in the first. Maximum conditioning is only achieved you are tired, freezing, bored, and altogether miserable and feeling as though can’t survive for another minute. Consistent practice of the Ice-Breaker will prepare you for certain climactic conditions commonly experienced during spring and fall exercises. Of course, there will be days when the weather turns bad, and I cannot find any way to prepare you for that.
The Candle
Soldiers must learn to ignore pain. A good way to teach yourself to ignore pain is to hold your open hand over a candle. (Note: howling and dancing about during the process detracts from the desired effect of the exercise, and should be avoided. A Clint Eastwood squint and teeth-clench is perfectly acceptable.) Within a few weeks, you should find yourself able to hold your hand over the candle for up to five minutes without flinching. Some of your platoon-mates, or office co-workers may accuse you of showing off, of making a display of raw machismo. Others may ridicule you. Some sadists may even suggest lighting the candle. Ignore them all.
The Rucksack Hustle.
This exercise is intended to improve your ability to move with a rucksack on, as well as your general agility and upper body strength. From among your associates, select one that is approximately one hundred pounds, which is about the weight of a properly field-packed rucksack. Because of the size requirement, your associate chosen will probably be a woman. Do not, I say again DO NOT, indicate that you have chosen her because of her resemblance to a rucksack. Especially if she is your primary food-preparer and sex-giver. Now, have your associate hop on your back, piggyback-style, and step from floor to chair to table to floor, leap onto the table, and down to the floor again, crawl under a chair and leap the back of it, climb twenty-seven flights of stairs, and lower yourself down the outside of the building back to your work-station. Repeat.
While this is going on, the woman should flop about, and in every way possible attempt to cause you to lose your balance. If she can, try to have her wear spike-heeled shoes and dig them into various parts of your anatomy periodically, while digging her fingernails into your shoulders steadily. For those of you in Leadership positions, or radio operators, have the woman hiss in your ear constantly, while punctuating this with the occasional ear-piercing screech. (Note: for the Reservists - your employer may never have been in the Service, and therefore may not recognize the valuable training you are conducting. Therefore, I suggest only conducting this particular exercise when he is out of the building or in a board meeting.)
The Squat-Walk
Also known as the Moving-Bunker-Hunker, and the Non-Stationary-Rice-Paddy-Prone. Lower yourself into the standard, Olympic hunker position, with posterior no more than four inches above the floor. Now, walk. It’s that simple. You should try to work up to 2 kilometres a day, minimum. This may seem far, but if you perform the Moving-Bunker-Hunker out to the water cooler, down the hall to deliver a report, out to the bathroom, or down to the RQMS shop to beg for some shiny kit, you’d be surprised how quickly you can reach 2 kilometres. The Non-Stationary-Rice-Paddy-Prone prepares you for situations where you are in open country, and the only concealment is low scrub bushes, and slight indentations in the ground, or for trench warfare. It is not unusual for soldiers to spend several hours a day in the Squat-Walk position, especially when closing in on the sound of artillery simulators screeching and howling, only to discover it to be an EP, attempting to rise out of the Squat-Walk position, making the screeching and howling noises. BY practicing the Moving-Bunker-Hunker, you can ensure that you are never the one making the deceptive screeching and howling, which is embarrassing and difficult to find The Appropriate Comment for.
When practicing the Non-Stationary-Rice-Paddy-Prone, fellow soldiers and co-workers (as well as passers-by, complete strangers, and even loved ones - especially loved ones) may very well give you odd looks and make snide remarks. But, remember: you are doing this for them. Yours is a life of sacrifice. You’ve already given so much, what’s your dignity? And if you’re married, or better, divorced, as most EPs are, you have no dignity left, anyway. Always keep moving, however. A Stationary-Bunker-Hunker closely resembles a crouch and can draw suspicion. In some parts of Toronto and Edmonton, it can also draw fire. A Stationary Squat-Walk can often result in someone calling the Military Police or a security person. Stationary Squat-Walks are extraordinarily difficult to explain to the average security person.
The Toe-Grab
This exercise gives you the toe strength so vital to soldiering. The basic technique, as practiced in the Western nations, is to stride briskly across a room or better, parade square, and suddenly freezing with one leg extended well forward, and the foot approximately three inches above the ground. This is accomplished by gripping the ground with the toes of your other, planted foot. Yes, I understand that it is difficult. Especially when wearing Mark III’s. But it is far from impossible. Try to maintain a relaxed expression when performing the movement, as excessive grimacing has been known to rupture facial muscles and cause faces to actually “freeze” like that. (As an example, I give you Keith Richards.) At first, you may notice strange crackling sounds, but this is nothing more than fissures developing between your toes and should be ignored. If you fail to ignore them, you will realize that you are in excruciating pain, and will stop the exercises. After approximately six weeks of practicing the exercises daily, you will find that you are able to crack walnuts between your toes. (Why you would want to crack walnuts between your toes is quite beyond me, but you will be able to, should the need arise.)
As most EPs are aware, the situation for which the Toe-Grab prepares them for is this: you are striding briskly back to your patrol base, after spending the entire day looking for the Enemy Force with no luck. The freshest sign any of you have seen is approximately dated back to the Voyageurs. The patrol is fed up, the Det Comd is furious, and everyone just wants to get back for groceries and rack. You are on point. Suddenly, as your fore boot descends towards a pile of dry twigs, you notice the slight movement of the back of a field cap, because OPFOR didn’t camouflage his cats-eyes. The slightest sound will cause him to turn around and engage the patrol, which will result in the Det Comd placing his Mark III in your posterior with great velocity and force.
Immediately, you apply the Toe-Grab, halting your foot’s descent millimetres from the pile of twigs, and your hand slowly, inches it’s way upwards into the “Halt” signal. While maintaining this position, you continue to send hand-signals: “Halt”, “Enemy”, “That way”, and ease your weapon up into the shoulder. You now place your fore foot behind you, and ease yourself into the Moving-Bunker-Hunker, to scoot backwards and inform the Det Comd of what you’ve seen. The technique is highly effective, but all too often the explosive grunt of pain and crackling noise that accompanies this movement amongst those not conditioned to it can give your position away.
For those EPs who have not yet been divorced, this technique is also vital when stumbling in from the Mess at 0-Dark-Stupid and Domestic Niner is asleep in the living room with frying pan in hand.
It can also be extremely handy when attempting to E&E from work early, and the CSM’s voice is heard ahead.
I have more, but that’s enough to get you started. We don’t want you over-training.
-again, with respect and admiration, (and maybe apologies) dedicated to Patrick F. McManus
-edited because I apparently have great difficulty spelling the the word "the" :
Since pre-historic times (and possibly even earlier, we don’t know since nobody bothered to write it down - hence the name. But I digress.), man has engaged in strenuous physical exercise to prepare himself for the rigours of warfare. Over the centuries, many different theories have been propounded, tested, discarded, re-examined, poked, prodded, and otherwise treated like an EP on his over-35 medical exam. Strangely, many EPs are still out of shape. Why? If we ignore the tendency of EPs to utilize coffee-drinking and cigarette smoking as the backbones of their morning exercise regimens, we must conclude that standard, conventional exercises are ineffective in conditioning the human (or EP) body for the postures, movements, and exertions peculiar to the demands of the EP lifestyle. I have, therefore, devised an exercise program specifically tailored to the Infantryman.
The following exercises have been designed to be performed in the typical day of any soldier in Garrison, and can even be utilized in the usual business day for those Reservists out there who wish to attain the physical attributes of an EP. The Reservist may simply employ one or more of the following exercises during coffee breaks, or lunch hours, or any other time the boss may be out of the building. This is because. While PT is the beginning of the average EP’s workday, my research shows that the typical Militia soldier simply doesn’t have the time to work out in a gym, since he is working two jobs to pay for all of the “Gucci” kit that he buys, to replace the free items issued to him by the Crown. Not to mention the expensive paraphernalia that allows him to purchase his “Gucci” kit in the first place - fur coats, jewellery, and the like. Otherwise, there is no way his spouse would allow any more camouflaged items and knick-knacks in the house.
Some of the exercises have been designed to condition the EP psychologically for the ordeals encountered in the field. It is a well-known, and much documented, fact that a soldier’s mind surrenders to hardship well in advance of his body. This doesn’t particularly help the mind much, since it can’t very well simply give up and return to the patrol base, to wait for the body to stumble in. On the other hand, occasionally the body will give up before the mind. “C’mon!” The mind will say. “The objective is only another 2000 meters!” And the body will reply “Go hard, buddy. I’m sittin’ right here until you get back.” The trick is to have both body and mind collapse simultaneously. This is the purpose for the exercises I have designed.
Remember to get a check-up before engaging in any new exercise program. Should the doctor break into gales of laughter during the exam, don’t believe her story about just having remembered a funny episode of “Seinfeld.” Just forget the whole thing, and take up heavy drinking. It won’t make you any fitter, or a better soldier, but you won’t care, anyway.
Now, we must first determine your current level of physical fitness. Here is a test you can perform in your own barracks room or home: Strip off all of your clothes, and lie down on the floor. (If you are a female, have photos taken and submitted to the author, in order to verify your test results.) Now, push yourself up into a handstand. If you have trouble holding yourself in the handstand position, you may wish to have someone hold your feet for you. I would suggest carefully screening this person, (and searching them for cameras) as my research has shown conclusively that only one person in twenty-three thousand can hold a straight face while also holding the feet of a naked man who is standing on his head. Simply ignore any unseemly, and unscientific displays of mirth from your helper. Furthermore, a sharp word, delivered in the tone of authority, should serve to repress the natural human urge your helper will experience to tickle your feet, or behind your knees.
It would be best for you to simply learn to stand on your head unaided.
Now, note your physical responses. If the blood pounds in your ears and behind your eyeballs, you have difficulty breathing and you are overcome by nausea, you have nothing to worry about. These are symptoms of a minor malady frequently experienced by those persons of middle age, which is middle age. (If you are experiencing these symptoms, but are not yet middle-aged, you should start worrying. Also exercising and dieting.) However, if, on top of the other symptoms, everything suddenly goes dark, or worse, dark and muffled, than you have a serious problem - your belly fat has slipped down and covered your head. Persons experiencing this phenomena should immediately begin the exercise program outlined below. Females who have no symptoms aside from losing their vision are simply well-endowed in the pectoral/mammary area, and should immediately submit photographs to the author.
Note: The field situations described below are simply generic situations the author has found himself in, and are for comparison purposes only. You may experience greater or lesser misery depending entirely on where/when you go to the field, and on how sadistic and/or simple-minded your chain of command is. Here, then, are the exercises:
The Ice-Breaker
For this exercise you will need a pan of water, a ball point pen, and a large quantity of ice. Put the ice in the pan of water and let chill for an hour. Stick your hands in the water until they are totally numb. Now, jerk your hands out of the ice water (without striking them on the desk or tabletop. Should you do so, it may take several minutes for you to find the fingers that break off and roll under the nearest items of furniture, thus allowing too much time for your hands to warm up, thereby negating the entire exercise.) and try to disassemble and reassemble the ballpoint pen in three seconds. This will give you the dexterity required to reload your weapon for a quick shot in the freezing rain, after your BFA has loosened off and the magazine spring has failed due to old age, and the entire platoon is expending all ammo on the ambush position, except you, meaning you will have to carry far more weight than they, and you just know everyone is going to be running as fast as they can to get away from the ambush site.
Or it may simply give you frostbite. Which is alright too, since every Canadian infantryman should be able to shoot with frostbite. And frostbitten fingers is a sign of the EP, since he was going on Winter Exercises before the invention of Gore-Tex, Polar Fleece, or polypropylene. Remember troops, part of the ever-elusive LCF is frostbitten fingers and toes. If you can lose one, even better! If you find again, I don’t suggest throwing it away just for the LCF. Have the medic re-attach it.
Spend some time standing in the pan of ice water, as well. Although at first your fellow soldiers, or office-mates may think you eccentric, have no fear. They will soon start ignoring you completely and avoiding you whenever possible. Your concentration will thus be unbroken by idle chit-chat. And it takes quite a bit of concentration to stand in a pan of ice water for any length of time, so it all works out.
Every other day, instead of standing in the pan, sit in it instead. If your WO, or office supervisor asks you why, tell him it improves concentration and productivity. Who knows? Maybe everyone else in the platoon, or office will have to sit in pans of ice water! And misery shared is misery halved. It allows you to feed on the weak. Remember, troops, eat your weakest man and carry on with the mission.
To more accurately simulate field conditions, have a buddy sneak up behind you periodically and dump the pan of ice water down your back of your neck. If possible, have him dump a separate pan, while you are still sitting in the first. Maximum conditioning is only achieved you are tired, freezing, bored, and altogether miserable and feeling as though can’t survive for another minute. Consistent practice of the Ice-Breaker will prepare you for certain climactic conditions commonly experienced during spring and fall exercises. Of course, there will be days when the weather turns bad, and I cannot find any way to prepare you for that.
The Candle
Soldiers must learn to ignore pain. A good way to teach yourself to ignore pain is to hold your open hand over a candle. (Note: howling and dancing about during the process detracts from the desired effect of the exercise, and should be avoided. A Clint Eastwood squint and teeth-clench is perfectly acceptable.) Within a few weeks, you should find yourself able to hold your hand over the candle for up to five minutes without flinching. Some of your platoon-mates, or office co-workers may accuse you of showing off, of making a display of raw machismo. Others may ridicule you. Some sadists may even suggest lighting the candle. Ignore them all.
The Rucksack Hustle.
This exercise is intended to improve your ability to move with a rucksack on, as well as your general agility and upper body strength. From among your associates, select one that is approximately one hundred pounds, which is about the weight of a properly field-packed rucksack. Because of the size requirement, your associate chosen will probably be a woman. Do not, I say again DO NOT, indicate that you have chosen her because of her resemblance to a rucksack. Especially if she is your primary food-preparer and sex-giver. Now, have your associate hop on your back, piggyback-style, and step from floor to chair to table to floor, leap onto the table, and down to the floor again, crawl under a chair and leap the back of it, climb twenty-seven flights of stairs, and lower yourself down the outside of the building back to your work-station. Repeat.
While this is going on, the woman should flop about, and in every way possible attempt to cause you to lose your balance. If she can, try to have her wear spike-heeled shoes and dig them into various parts of your anatomy periodically, while digging her fingernails into your shoulders steadily. For those of you in Leadership positions, or radio operators, have the woman hiss in your ear constantly, while punctuating this with the occasional ear-piercing screech. (Note: for the Reservists - your employer may never have been in the Service, and therefore may not recognize the valuable training you are conducting. Therefore, I suggest only conducting this particular exercise when he is out of the building or in a board meeting.)
The Squat-Walk
Also known as the Moving-Bunker-Hunker, and the Non-Stationary-Rice-Paddy-Prone. Lower yourself into the standard, Olympic hunker position, with posterior no more than four inches above the floor. Now, walk. It’s that simple. You should try to work up to 2 kilometres a day, minimum. This may seem far, but if you perform the Moving-Bunker-Hunker out to the water cooler, down the hall to deliver a report, out to the bathroom, or down to the RQMS shop to beg for some shiny kit, you’d be surprised how quickly you can reach 2 kilometres. The Non-Stationary-Rice-Paddy-Prone prepares you for situations where you are in open country, and the only concealment is low scrub bushes, and slight indentations in the ground, or for trench warfare. It is not unusual for soldiers to spend several hours a day in the Squat-Walk position, especially when closing in on the sound of artillery simulators screeching and howling, only to discover it to be an EP, attempting to rise out of the Squat-Walk position, making the screeching and howling noises. BY practicing the Moving-Bunker-Hunker, you can ensure that you are never the one making the deceptive screeching and howling, which is embarrassing and difficult to find The Appropriate Comment for.
When practicing the Non-Stationary-Rice-Paddy-Prone, fellow soldiers and co-workers (as well as passers-by, complete strangers, and even loved ones - especially loved ones) may very well give you odd looks and make snide remarks. But, remember: you are doing this for them. Yours is a life of sacrifice. You’ve already given so much, what’s your dignity? And if you’re married, or better, divorced, as most EPs are, you have no dignity left, anyway. Always keep moving, however. A Stationary-Bunker-Hunker closely resembles a crouch and can draw suspicion. In some parts of Toronto and Edmonton, it can also draw fire. A Stationary Squat-Walk can often result in someone calling the Military Police or a security person. Stationary Squat-Walks are extraordinarily difficult to explain to the average security person.
The Toe-Grab
This exercise gives you the toe strength so vital to soldiering. The basic technique, as practiced in the Western nations, is to stride briskly across a room or better, parade square, and suddenly freezing with one leg extended well forward, and the foot approximately three inches above the ground. This is accomplished by gripping the ground with the toes of your other, planted foot. Yes, I understand that it is difficult. Especially when wearing Mark III’s. But it is far from impossible. Try to maintain a relaxed expression when performing the movement, as excessive grimacing has been known to rupture facial muscles and cause faces to actually “freeze” like that. (As an example, I give you Keith Richards.) At first, you may notice strange crackling sounds, but this is nothing more than fissures developing between your toes and should be ignored. If you fail to ignore them, you will realize that you are in excruciating pain, and will stop the exercises. After approximately six weeks of practicing the exercises daily, you will find that you are able to crack walnuts between your toes. (Why you would want to crack walnuts between your toes is quite beyond me, but you will be able to, should the need arise.)
As most EPs are aware, the situation for which the Toe-Grab prepares them for is this: you are striding briskly back to your patrol base, after spending the entire day looking for the Enemy Force with no luck. The freshest sign any of you have seen is approximately dated back to the Voyageurs. The patrol is fed up, the Det Comd is furious, and everyone just wants to get back for groceries and rack. You are on point. Suddenly, as your fore boot descends towards a pile of dry twigs, you notice the slight movement of the back of a field cap, because OPFOR didn’t camouflage his cats-eyes. The slightest sound will cause him to turn around and engage the patrol, which will result in the Det Comd placing his Mark III in your posterior with great velocity and force.
Immediately, you apply the Toe-Grab, halting your foot’s descent millimetres from the pile of twigs, and your hand slowly, inches it’s way upwards into the “Halt” signal. While maintaining this position, you continue to send hand-signals: “Halt”, “Enemy”, “That way”, and ease your weapon up into the shoulder. You now place your fore foot behind you, and ease yourself into the Moving-Bunker-Hunker, to scoot backwards and inform the Det Comd of what you’ve seen. The technique is highly effective, but all too often the explosive grunt of pain and crackling noise that accompanies this movement amongst those not conditioned to it can give your position away.
For those EPs who have not yet been divorced, this technique is also vital when stumbling in from the Mess at 0-Dark-Stupid and Domestic Niner is asleep in the living room with frying pan in hand.
It can also be extremely handy when attempting to E&E from work early, and the CSM’s voice is heard ahead.
I have more, but that’s enough to get you started. We don’t want you over-training.
-again, with respect and admiration, (and maybe apologies) dedicated to Patrick F. McManus
-edited because I apparently have great difficulty spelling the the word "the" :
