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A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Mud Crawler
  • Start date Start date
Found this in the believe it or not file

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT  VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15  DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.
:cdn:

 
A Navy Commanding Officer sent this.       

To: All Commands

Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base  by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

  "Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

  "Shrine Busters"  [Various.  Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines.  Some with unit logos.]

  "Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

  "Goat  - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

  "The road to Paradise begins with me."  [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

  "Guns don't kill people.  I kill people."  [Both Arabic and English versions]

  "Pork.  The other white meat.'  [Arabic version]

  "Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive.

4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

      "Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."

      "Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

5.  All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
 
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her own
wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day. Unfortunately they were a
bit too small, and by the time the festivities were over, her feet were in agony.

That night when she and Charles withdrew to their room the first thing
Camilla wanted to do was to take her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family
crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they
expected - grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually, they heard Charles say 'God, that was tight.'

'There' whispered The Queen. 'I told you, with a face like that she HAD to
be a virgin!'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say 'Right. Now for the other
one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said: 'My
God. That was even tighter!".

'That's my boy' said the Duke of Edinburgh.
'Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
 
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two army rules:

#1.The commanding officer is always right.
#2.If the commanding officer is not right, see #1.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.

Wolf  ;D

 
USMC Answering Machine message
Thank you for calling the United States Marine Corps.

I am sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged.

Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you back.

As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraqi, Korea, China, the Y2K bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington DC and compulsory consideration of others training. we will return your call. Please speak after the tone or if you require more options please listen to the following numbers.

If you crisis is small, simple and close to sea press 1 for the United States Army

If your concern is distant with a temperate climate and good hotels and can be solved by one or two low risk high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation, which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band please write well in advance to the United States Navy. Please note that the Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first come first serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble please press 4 and your call will be routed to Headquarters, United States Marine Corps. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure that you can afford the inherent TAD cost. Also be aware that HQ Marine Corps may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Marine Corps, and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family put in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your butt off daily risking your life in all weather and terrain both day and night and while watching Congress erode your original benefits package then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed over Marine Corps recruiter in old run strip mall down by the Good Will office.

Thank you for contacting the United States Marine Corps.


LOLOLOL!!!
 
Mods feel free to move this:
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman (Marines and fighter pilots take note).
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
The enemy attacks on two occasions: when he's ready and when your not
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.*
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried into the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather isn’t neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you have obviously misjudged the gravity of the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is a Second Lieutenant with a map and compass.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the enemy is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
It could be worse: It could be raining…and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The spare batteries for the radio – whichever one your troops have been carrying – are either nearly dead or for a different radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flex mount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
The CO will only stick his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from Division when you are listening to the AFR broadcasting the ball game.
You will invariably be on one frequency when everyone else is on another.
Why does your 500-watt, state-of-the-art radio not make it across 100 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Short RTOs have long whips on their radios so someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy always times his attack to the second you drop your pants in the head.
The ammo you need NOW is on the next airdrop.
The enemy inevitably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.

Murphy's Supplementary Law of Military Weather Corollaries
Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.
The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.
Military training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a Deity with a truly cruel sense of humor. How do you think we got them so cheap?
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Marine battalion was told to set up on it.
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct a ‘tropical’ exercise there.
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the porta-johns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypro, your bear suit, and all of your Gore-Tex.
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

Rules of the Rucksack


1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Brintnall's Second Law

If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Napier's Corollary
If all else fails hide.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts)[/
color]
You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law
There is no limit to how bad things can get.


Choo
 
MURPHY`S LAW OF EMERGENCY MEDICINE

A patient`s size and weight is directly proportional to the floor of the apartment they live on and indirectly proportional the number of working elevators.

MM
 
Once upon a time three Air Force Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! "

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful!

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.
 
7% of women say online dating is a good way to find a relationship.
The other 93% are still missing
 
The young ensign

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
 
An internet technician decides to join the army and  puts in for sniper training.the first day on the range he's asked to fire six shots, not one hits the target, ; his range instructor radio's him,DID YOU FIRE SIX SHOTS, yes sir i did he replies  WELL NOT ONE OF YOUR SHOTS HIT THE DAMN TARGET  the instructor bellows at him ! the tech wonders to himself then places his finger over the end of the barrel and pulls the trigger promptly blowing his finger off, he yells over the radio THEIR LEAVING HERE FINE, THE TROUBLE MUST BE AT YOUR END,
 
Hey all I found this joke online and I hope you find it as funny as I did:


A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 
Subject:
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>             This is creepy!
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
>
>             .
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>             Do the lines
>
>             take the
>
>             form of the
>
>             first letter
>
>             in the
>
>             persons name?
>
>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             . Of course they *****ing dont.......
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .Now smack
>
>             yourself in the head, get a life,
>
>             and
>
>             quit playing
>
>             stupid
>
>             e-mail games!
 
    Definition of an Irish husband:
    He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
    Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves
    is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
    "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
    Answer - So the English can understand them.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
    The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
    "That's grand!" shouted Reilly.  "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
    Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantelpiece?"
    "No," said himself, "but I'm getting' closer all the time."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
    A. A bachelor.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.  I can't break her of it.
    Keenan:  What on earth is she doin' at that time?
    Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home ..
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.  "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
    "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
    "No, damnit!  This is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
    "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    My mother wanted me to be a priest.
    Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
 
George Bush was in the Oval Office, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up
'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, ey? 
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you,  ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news!  How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is  myself, me
cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart  team  from
the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the  war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have  16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've  increased my army to
One and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting  back  to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush,  the war is
still on! We have anaged to git ourselves airborne! We up  an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and Four
byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you
Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My Military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO  MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call yous back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush!  I am Sorry
to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of  heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no  way we  can feed
two million prisoners."


CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
 
Another of those emails, but worth the read.

LETTER FROM AN IOWA FARM KID,
(NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON DOING MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Mom and Pop,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Graffender by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
 
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
   
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Harklau boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Bub Vote from over in Hardy. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

Carol 
 
Actually Ive never seem the appendix to skippys list before so thanks despite your having disobeyed regs.

Ref the unofficial principles of leadership, I havent seen them before, and they did not come up on an internet search nor on the Army.ca search, so if you got'em postem, or at least give us the email address.

For a new contribution, I havent seen any references to the material at Despair Inc - some hilarious sarcasm on popular 'motivational slogons'!
Read more on the art of demotivation at http://www.despair.com

Sample: 
dare%20to%20slack.jpg
 
Pte D. Krystal said:
Frankie, not only did someone already post the link to what you've got here (http://www.skippyslist.com/skippyfriends.html) but someone else was just told to link instead of posting such ridiculously long lists, no matter how funny you may think they are.

My apologies, however, when I searched skippy, nothing came up pointing to the amendments. When I saw the list, there was no link, and there were some I had to edit for..shall we say questionable content.

Now back to the humour.

etc etc etc ad nausem  ::)

One that Zipperhead cop might like.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" was his thought, as he flew down I-75,  pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him. 

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

 
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