OP, I appreciate your candour and I am sure that many other people who have had similar experiences do as well. Realizing that you aren't all that you thought you were cracked up to be is a pretty painful moment. My own experience differs in many regards, which I will relate below, but for those out there who left the P.Res and years later want to go Reg.F. I hope you can draw some valuable lessons from it.
As my username indicates, I was once a very proud member of the Queen's Own Rifles. I applied while I was 16 and forged all of the parental signatures on the application forms. I was sworn in Oct. 20 -2004 and began my BMQ a few weeks after that. I had turned 17 in the meantime and felt pretty sure that I was the toughest shit around. Hindsight being what it is, I was nothing more than a child who wanted to play at JTF-Ninja-Club on the weekends without any concept of the obligations and responsibilities I had agreed to. I mistakenly saw the CF as an easy way to escape from an abusive home.
Friday night of the first day on course I saw real soldiers for the first time. Our CSM was a war horse from the 48'th Highlanders named MacIntyre (sp?) and to this day ranks as the toughest person I have ever been in the same room as. I am sure that he saw right through me. I am sure that all of the course staff saw right through me. I was a kid trying to play an adult's game. Nonetheless, I persevered and did complete my BMQ. Of course I made every mistake someone can possibly make and was probably the butt of most of the staff's jokes when no one could hear.
Examples of my myriad failures include severely spraining my ankle and refusing medical treatment because I didn't want to appear as 'weak'. Contracting Mono during the latter half of the course and being hallucinatory during training from the effects of the virus. My performance suffered as you can imagine and I brought much wrath upon my own head. Also foolishly trying to bullshit the staff (I have since learned that this is impossible but it goes to show my naivete). Or just the general lack of maturity needed to process honest advice from the staff.
To compound the above factors, I was also the primary witness to an 'assault with a weapon' that had taken place between my parents. My decision to testify meant that I was no longer welcome at home and became homeless for stretches of time. Luckily I had my course and parade pay so I could survive off of deli food and subs during the week. Unfortunately that meant that on Sunday nights when everyone else was going home, I was sleeping in some bushes behind my high school and showering in the bathroom sinks the next morning. This situation couldn't go on forever and I ended up releasing in the fall of '05.
At the time, I felt devastated that I had somehow failed my country. Years later I had the perspective to see that the processes designed to weed out the weak and unfit had worked exactly as intended. All the bitterness I felt has long since been replaced with admiration for the staff's professionalism. I went on to do a year of university. Then I managed some retail outlets while I got my personal life in order. Finally, 7 years later I have a great wife, great marks in school and am planning on rejoining as a NCM-SEP. I have come to understand that a relationship is about both parties bringing 100% to the table. Now that I have sorted myself out, I feel confident that I have the tools to succeed.
Many of you reading this have already conquered many of the hurdles that life has thrown in your way. For those of you who have failed or fallen short, I hope that my experiences help put your own into perspective for you. Regardless of how shitty your life is, you can improve it bit by bit if you are patient and get up each time you fall.
My brother went down a similar road and I don't have all the details because we stopped talking years ago, but, here is a condensed version of his struggles:
He joined as a medic in the summer of '03. When I released he decided to go Reg.F. and joined PPCLI. He did a tour in Afghanistan. On leave he 'mutinied' or whatever the term is for someone who refuses to return to theatre. He spent the rest of his contract counting socks with some civilians in the Logistics part of Shilo. He suffered from really severe PTSD and depression over letting all of his friends down. He got help through the CF. He went back to school and got his GED and even received an award from the L.Gov. of Manitoba for scoring so high on it. He has since graduated from college and has a good job. He is expecting a second child soon. He has put his life back together.
Good luck on your own journey.