Your Funniest/ Favorite War Stories

[alexk]

well its not realy a war story, but its pretty funny. this summer when i was doing my CLI Adventure course, we were on our patroling exercise. my platoon noticed another coy lines, it was kilo coy, they are a band coy doing their ftx.

Well my sgts ended up stealing one of their lanters while it was still on( they put one of those triangulair bandages on it and turned it off.) so then they got a little more sneaky.

the sgts had the course senior watch the platoon while myself a course cadet and them proceded getting more lanterns. well we ended up getting all their lanterns. and we still had alot more time to kill so we stole all of their naftha. we put it about half a kilck down the road. after all that one our female sgt had to use the jon, so she went to their coy hq and asked to use their jon. it was hilarious because after all that she took the glow stick of the jimmy jonney.


My girlfreinds freind was in kilo and we were talking about camp and she was telling me about how somone stole all their coys naftha. i let her in that it was me and my sgts and boy was she pissed.

I know its a cadet story but i figured i would contribute to a great thread.

cheers

 

[sgtdixon]

Another Cadet Tale... SIC 2002 Cold Lake...
This one guy on my intake of SI who well call...awww heck his names Gardeezy aka Gardez (grandfather was an afghan warlord)... Anyways Were on day 2 of our Duo Phase of the evaluation for the course and gardeezy deicides that were on the Edge of Cold Lake and it aint all that far to timmy ho‘s so he strips down to boxers, a walking stick and his pointer vest and starts a walkin. Well at this point me and my duo partner figure, shaz son hes been gone for some while now (it was like 4 hrs) and so the Safety O comes by and asks where in he11s half acre is Gardeezy, and we point down the road...

Turns out he made it 6 kms before the caught up with him...sneaky turd..

Another memorable part of the Duo phase was my shelter, myself and my partner had found this nice rounded out spot under a tree and cast our shelter halves over it, and decided right on this‘ll do mighty fine, so we rack it for the first day, well we were woken by some moster sounding rustling..we sat tight as the pucker factor hit 10 in our minds but all was well by morning, anyways we had to help one guy in to the HQ cause he was hypothermic (in the dead heat of august) and on our way back this shape crosses the road, so we radio it in and one officer comes out (Lt. Veale you rock man) with the trust 870 locked and cocked and loaded for "bear" so anyways, he heads into the site, and the shape (Shape being a bear) takes off for high heaven into the woods...

Turns out that rounded spot in the meadow that made an awesome shelter was a bear bed...

Ive got more but they‘ll wait until my typing improoves, I recieved a bottle of 18 yr old Auchentoshan from the family in Scotland and i was a wee into the sampling toinght

 

[Spr.Earl]

Seeing as Kack has come up.

My father was in the Legion when he was 18 back in 1949 to 1952.

He did his Para and machine gunner‘s course‘s etc.

One of the story‘s was the pay was shite 10Fr. a month.

He was in a Fort in Algeria on a main road near Vinyard‘s,well the truck‘s loaded with grape‘s went passed the Fort so he and the lad‘s figured we‘ll get our selve‘s some grape‘s!

To make a long story short they got the grape‘s and the screeming meemies!!

The latrine was not with in the Fort but a trench out side.

It was a trench 6‘ long by 2‘ wide with a squat typical French,well old Dad fell in!!

They let him back in but not back into the Shack‘s all‘s he could do was let it all dry and beat the kack out of his uniform because of the water ration. LOL!

You would have to hear him tell the story!!
F‘n funny

I wish he was alive to day to post here as he would have you all in stich‘s with some of his Legion and Brit Army stories.


God Bless you Dad

 

[Slim]

At the risk of dating myself I will tell a lynx story.

I was on my first ex after graduating from the school and assigned to the troop Wo‘s vehicle as the observer.

Now this occured in the time before the enviormental nazis held sway so this would not be possible under the "current regime!"

Our C/S arrived alone at the Battle River in Wainwright one spring afternoon. Rather than go down to the bridge or use...Purple Ford ( I think it was...) the Troop Wo decided to swim the vehicle, thereby cutting the time to our objective.

Troop WO to the driver: "Alf, are the drainplugs in?"
Driver responds: "Yes WO".
Troop WO to the driver:" Are you sure"?
Driver responds:"Yes WO".
Troop WO to the crew:" Well Gents, waddia say. Lets swim this f@#$%^g river".

Swim...We very nearly did.

About half way across the observer (me) looks down and discovers that the floor of the Lynx is under water.
Observer: "Warrant"!
WO: "Not now".
Observer: "Warrant"!!!
WO: "Not now"!
Observer: "Warrant we‘re sinking"!!!
WO:" Oh F#@k, Alf hurry up we‘re sinking!!"
Driver responds grabbing the tiller bars and locking them to the rear)" Stop? Sure why?"
WO grabbing the pick axe handle)" Alf get this F#@king thing to shore right now!!!"(begins to swing the pick axe handle at the driver, narrowly missing the observer who is now dancing around on the back deck and wondering if the vehicle will really sink and what to do if it does)!

It seems that the drainplugs were in and functioned as they were supposed to...Unfortunately the belly plate, however, was not...

The lynx had to be parked on a fourty-five degree slope for about a half an hour to drain it!

All true, I swear!

Slim.

 

[Spr.Earl]

Originally posted by Slim:
[qb] At the risk of dating myself I will tell a lynx story.

I was on my first ex after graduating from the school and assigned to the troop Wo‘s vehicle as the observer.

Now this occured in the time before the enviormental nazis held sway so this would not be possible under the "current regime!"

Our C/S arrived alone at the Battle River in Wainwright one spring afternoon. Rather than go down to the bridge or use...Purple Ford ( I think it was...) the Troop Wo decided to swim the vehicle, thereby cutting the time to our objective.

Troop WO to the driver: "Alf, are the drainplugs in?"
Driver responds: "Yes WO".
Troop WO to the driver:" Are you sure"?
Driver responds:"Yes WO".
Troop WO to the crew:" Well Gents, waddia say. Lets swim this f@#$%^g river".

Swim...We very nearly did.

About half way across the observer (me) looks down and discovers that the floor of the Lynx is under water.
Observer: "Warrant"!
WO: "Not now".
Observer: "Warrant"!!!
WO: "Not now"!
Observer: "Warrant we‘re sinking"!!!
WO:" Oh F#@k, Alf hurry up we‘re sinking!!"
Driver responds grabbing the tiller bars and locking them to the rear)" Stop? Sure why?"
WO grabbing the pick axe handle)" Alf get this F#@king thing to shore right now!!!"(begins to swing the pick axe handle at the driver, narrowly missing the observer who is now dancing around on the back deck and wondering if the vehicle will really sink and what to do if it does)!

It seems that the drainplugs were in and functioned as they were supposed to...Unfortunately the belly plate, however, was not...

The lynx had to be parked on a fourty-five degree slope for about a half an hour to drain it!

All true, I swear!

Slim. [/qb]

You have not dated your self!!

The first time I ever fired a 50. was from the Lynx.

As to your story,yous lot must have crossed Battle River in between Battle Bridge and Purple Ford!

 

[winchable]

While I see we‘re also sharing stories of family members in the military, and since I lack anything too interesting of my own for the time begin, here goes:

Maybe someone out there will remember this incident and perhaps know my dad! It‘s a navy story, so I know this is going to be prone to critique.

A few years back, footage was released of delerious (seemingly drunk, although actualy crazy) sailors parading around in dresses on duty onboard ship (generally behaving badly), something along those lines anyway. It seems that some idiot Jr. engineering officer had cocked up the fresh water supply, so the ship had to go w/o for a few days (alot of days...actually).

Of course, w/o fresh water and all of the amenities requiring said water, some of the sailors began to lose their nerve and minds, and the resulting video caused a moderate scandal (albeit brief, and more humorous then anything.)

The afformentioned idiot Jr. Officer was my dear old dad who went on to become a marine mecahnical engineering instructor for the navy, the first ship-borne engineering officer on board the CPF Frigates, and eventually detatchment commander for the Halifax Class patrol frigates in Halifax.

Just goes to show you, everyone gets at least one cock-up!

Does anyone remember that at all? The video was pretty much in and out of the news I believe (I wasn‘t into watching or reading the news then so I could be wrong). I also could have some facts wrong, but for the most part this is how I understand it to have happened.

 

[Franko]

I remember that.....were‘nt they going across the equator or something?

Slim.......memoriesssss......

Regards

 

[Slim]

Yet another oldie from Slim the...never mind.

I once had to take some of the young officers out to the foothills of Alberta to cut firewood for the officers mess fireplace in CFB Calgary ( Harvey Barracks).

A member of the old guard had given the regt. permission to go out to his land and cut down a bunch of trees for firewood.

So I go sign out an HLVW, a couple of chainsaws and some cargo straps for tying the wood down once cut.

I tested both chainsaws before loading them on the truck...but I did not fill them.

Then I go up to the officers mess to collect the subbies and we‘re off.

Now at the time the regt had a young officer who was not quite with it. In fact he was later fired (out of the service!) for being incompitent.

Well we get out to the land and begin to get ready to cut down some trees.

I filled one chainsaw, I didn‘t see who filled the other one...

The saw that I filled started just fine and we proceeded to start felling trees.

Presently I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning I saw one of the subbies who told me that the other saw didn‘t work.

Turning my saw over to the officer I was working with I went to the other saw and proceeded to try to start it.

I did everything I could think of. I fiddled with the choke, I pulled the cord till I was blue in the face...Nothing.

...And then it dawned on me to check what sort of fuel was in the saw‘s tank. Sure enough...Someone had filled it with diesel.

Politely I asked the group which of them had filled the tank.

Guess who answered.

I didn‘t say a word, just corrected the problem and carried on.

Slim

 

[Franko]

Seen that happen a few times...especialy with an Iltis. Officer thinks he‘s helping out. Next thing you know...white smoke out the back!

Regards

 

[Pte. Bloggins]

*bump*

Come on people keep the stories coming! (I need entertainment)

 

[Garry]

Advancing North in the lawfield corridor we got harbour orders- in the middle of the day (!!??). Backing into the hide, I noticed "the" log- you know the one, just the right height, no bark, big enough to support, small enough for comfort, bushes on three sides, with a ray of sunlight beaming down through the treetops, like a gift from heaven.

My bowels constricted in anticipation.....

Have I mentioned how much I hate pooping in the woods? We never seemed to have any porta-potties, and at that time I had yet to perfect the milk crate toilet....and I lived in mortal fear of "starting something" as a crash harbour was announced...BUT here I was, at least 4 hours before we moved, daytime, warm, and the "perfect" log...

We cammed the tank and performed the rest of the harbour drills, and I grabbed my shovel, smokes, beer, book,and tp and headed off. I intended to complete this job to perfection, and was ready for several minutes alone.. My crew racked on the back deck.

I was well into my first smoke when I heard twigs snapping behind me. Sounded like a bear heading towards the tank. No big deal, I thought, the bear would have to have had a bad head cold to miss me. The sounds continued, and I figured this had to be the dumbest bear going.

Eventually, a soldier in NBC state 3 burst into the clearing behind my tank. Breathing heavily and looking around, he saw me and, levelling his weapon, ran over and took me prisoner. I was in no shape to resist. Besides, he took me prisoner in french. No fair.

I tried communicating, but his english was about as good as my french. I finally asked him to call his Seargent, which seemed like a good idea to both of us. Sgt arrived, and I explained to him that I was not "the enemy". (various units shared the Lawfield Corridor for training, and generally ignored each other)...nor was I inclined to meet with his Lt to explain myself. He listened, thought for awhile, then carefull explained to me that while he understood my arguments, I had 10 second to finish my paperwork or I‘d be leaving in the shape I was. (I hadn‘t moved)

Realising that compromise was doubtfull, violence seemed to be the only alternative. Making my decision, I hollered out to my Loader to "traverse left". While not impressed, it took only two or three more hollers, combined with threats of bodily harm, to convince my loader to follow my commands. The two infanteers, not seeing the tank due to the brush, were trying to understand what was going on. Prety easy for a tanker, I followed the loaders path: over the turret, master switch on, loaders hydraulics, gunners hydraulics, he was ready.

"Traverse left" was followed by an immediate crashing and thrashing of trees as the cam came down, and 12 tons of turret exerted itself. As the muzzle of the main armament approached the infanteers amazed faces, I hollered "on", stopping the gun scant inches from their faces. Hollering "load Hesh" (combined with a fresh volley of oaths) produced the desired results: all concerned could hear the 110 pound breech block close over the round.

I then smiled sweetly at the two infanteers, and said either they left, or I was blowing all three of us to heck...would they care to meet God?

They didn‘t, and left. Traverse right, unload, clear guns was dutifully performed by my loader, and I contiued with what was still arguably the best rest stop of the entire summer, unimpeded by infanteers.

Cheers-Garry

 

[gate_guard]

go armour

 

[Veteran`s son]

These stories are hilarious!
Does anyone have more funny stories to contribute to the thread?

 

[sgtdixon]

Wow, Now wouldnt that be a S****y to die Eh


nyuk nyuk nyuk

 

[spacelord]

For those of you who have been following this topic, I was on the same SQ course as Korus, the one where the warrant promised that it would be the course we would live to regret.
We had just finished the FTX, and loaded all of our gear on the the trucks. we were all sitting around waiting leave. All the instructors were there, so was the enemy force and the people from standards. the LT gets up and says "good job, blah blah blah, used skills you‘ve been taught etc". Then the warrant gets up and says basically the same thing, makes a few jokes. eventually we got on the busses and went back to the shacks where we unloaded everything. As soon as standards and the other instructors leave, the Warrant says "everybody form up in the foyer now" we do it, of course.
"Alright, Now I‘m going to tell you what I really thought of that exercise... ... (long pause that seems like forever)... you guys were ****ing amazing. I‘ve run reg force course where we did push people that hard and put them under that much stress. you all should be really proud"

I thought he would was going to start screaming and calling us scumbags and maggots.

 

[Slim]

Originally posted by Garry:
[qb] Advancing North in the lawfield corridor we got harbour orders- [/qb]

Go Armour indeed!

Good one Garry

Cheers Slim

:tank:

 

[Franko]

Good one indeed Garry....

Reminds me of the time we were shot at by hunters in the Lawfield just south of WTP.

They thought we were an animal or something. We heard a crack and pu-ting off the tank. My CC traversed right and fired off a blank that I had loaded a few minutes before. Unfortunatly I had also put in 3 naptha soaked rolls of TP in there for some extra oomph.

Never saw people run so fast in my life...they‘re feet didn‘t even hit the ground

Come to find out later they were poaching deer.

Regards

 

[Garry]

Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaa!!!!

I HATE Poachers.

 

[Bruce Monkhouse]

We had just finished TQ3 and went with "E" bty[para] to Shilo for an exercise. We were cleaning the guns when our Mbdr. sent one of our group to get some "sargeant-major" soap. We had never heard of this before and figured it was just another excuse to pull one of the new guy‘s legs. When he came back from stores he stated that he could‘nt get any "sargeant-major" soap but held up a plastic bottle and asked if "general" purpose would do. CHEERS

 

[patt]

u armoured guys are cruel to each other lol