Afghanistan, is it worth it- Cheating Spouse Thread

[chriscalow]

This thread is helping me.  I'm on a tasking, and things at home with the missus isn't going good.  She has already admitted to making out with some dink at the bar (who knows how far it went)    wasnt even gone 2 weeks before it happened!  GRRRRRR!!!  we talked, and whatever i'm trying to deal with it.  i know she has been confused lately, some my fault, some hers, but it happened.  We are working things out best we can being so far apart, but i know she plans on going out this week and i'm so worried.  See i have depression, and some self esteem issues.. these cause me to be a jealous, and at times controlling freakshow.  I never even knew i was so bad.. i didnt even really know i had a problem,, i was too busy blaming everyone else.. anyway..

long story short... she wants to go out.. i'm not comfortable with it, because of what she has done, but i dont want to say much against it, because that will push her away further.  I love her, and deep down i know she loves me.. i'm just so far away.  its a 4 months tasking, not quite a deployment, but a long time away from home either way.. especially for our first time apart.  but being a tasking, not a tour, there isn't much for support.

Im so frustrated, and scared. I dont want to lose her, but i cant let her walk all over me.  I'm getting help for my personal issues, but as far as the relationship, we aren't married, so i'm pretty much being told to cut her loose and to get over it.  ?????? I dont know.  This has been a bit of a rant/vent.. I do feel better getting it out though.  Thanks for reading.

 

[Kat Stevens]

This is going to seem harsh, but I really don't know any other way to put it.  You need to weigh your feelings against one thing.  If she can't manage to keep her knees together for four months, all the love and understanding in the world won't change that, and it won't get any better.  Whether you rant, rage, and forbid or not, she's still going to go if that's what's on her mind.  Sorry, but there it is.  And if she cant keep 'em together, that's not love, buddy.

 

[Sub_Guy]

She has already admitted to making out with some dink at the bar (who knows how far it went)   

Im so frustrated, and scared. I dont want to lose her, but i cant let her walk all over me.  I'm getting help for my personal issues, but as far as the relationship, we aren't married, so i'm pretty much being told to cut her loose and to get over it.  ?????? I dont know.  This has been a bit of a rant/vent.. I do feel better getting it out though.  Thanks for reading.

Just my thought on this, she admitted to making out with some dink at the bar, was her way of dropping some guilt.  There is probably more to the story, but that is for you and her to discuss.  I would think that her admitting that she made out with some loser at the bar could be the cause of some of your jealous issues, but I am not Dr. Phil so I could be wrong.

Clearly she f*cked up and you are right to be worried if she goes out again, so now you have a problem.  If you tell her how you feel and ask her not to go out, you could come across as jealous (that is the exact angle she is going to play on you, she will call you controlling and everything else, she will play on your low self esteem), if that happens she will either lie and go out anyway, or there is a slim chance she won't go out.

So what do you do?  Cut her loose, there are plenty of women out there.  Once you show that you are strong enough to make it without her, she might start taking you serious, but until then she will walk all over ya.

 

[AUTHOR]

if the spouse does that when your *over there* then they arent worth it, theres lots of people that would respect you for what your doing and wait for you.... karma will bite them later in life and you'll be in a better position for it.  sorry for your losses

 

[1feral1]

This thread is helping me.  I'm on a tasking, and things at home with the missus isn't going good.  She has already admitted to making out with some dink at the bar (who knows how far it went)    wasnt even gone 2 weeks before it happened!  GRRRRRR!!!   we talked, and whatever i'm trying to deal with it.  i know she has been confused lately, some my fault, some hers, but it happened.  We are working things out best we can being so far apart, but i know she plans on going out this week and i'm so worried.  See i have depression, and some self esteem issues.. these cause me to be a jealous, and at times controlling freakshow.   I never even knew i was so bad.. i didnt even really know i had a problem,, i was too busy blaming everyone else.. anyway..

long story short... she wants to go out.. i'm not comfortable with it, because of what she has done, but i dont want to say much against it, because that will push her away further.  I love her, and deep down i know she loves me.. i'm just so far away.  its a 4 months tasking, not quite a deployment, but a long time away from home either way.. especially for our first time apart.  but being a tasking, not a tour, there isn't much for support.

Im so frustrated, and scared. I dont want to lose her, but i cant let her walk all over me.  I'm getting help for my personal issues, but as far as the relationship, we aren't married, so i'm pretty much being told to cut her loose and to get over it.  ?????? I dont know.  This has been a bit of a rant/vent.. I do feel better getting it out though.  Thanks for reading.

Welcome to the broken heart club!

Shagging another bloke 2 wks into your tour! Thats a shocker!

Mine gave me the flick 6 days back from Iraq and left me for a woman!!! My story is in this thread somewhere. 7 yrs wasted, however I am with a hot chick now, a much better woman and a complete and total deviant at that too  ;D

Having someone else say 'get over it' is, well, talk is cheap, and getting over a loss is not easy (espeically if you are away), it takes time, with a roller coaster of emotions. Just remember, you are not alone.

Hang in there

OWDU

 

[helpup]

For mine she was on tour with me, we were just starting to get into a very serious ( or so I thought ) relationship, prior to the tour and she departed a couple of weeks ahead of me.  As luck would have it we were in the same camp.  Well didn't she turn out to have a Bi-polar issue. Complete about face once I got there and it threw me for a loop. ( in the worse way that someone can do it to me, just ignored me. )  I did the depression thing, took up running and a month into the tour I was doing 22 km runs every sunday and 5 of the other days variable intensity running.  That kept my depression at bay ( I would highly recommend using natural endorphins over medical prescriptions any day) Anyhow My Karma took hold she got caught with a married guy in the back of a vehicle and the whole mess got busted as he sent a email meant for her back to his wife by accident.  Can you say BUSTED.  I still had allot of her stuff at my place and still she would not talk to me.   ( silly girl ) Almost a year after the tour she calls asking if I could send her stuff to a Friend of hers who would pick it up.  I explained how her stuff is no longer with me as I had kept it for about 8 months and got tired of storing it.  Called her on some of the lies about she tried to get in contact with me about it and basically told her to have a nice life.

As for me. A couple of Ladies later I did meet the one who is about ready to have our 1st child.  She outranks me ( Mo Money ) and is the most compatible person I have ever been with in my life. 

I have to add.  I tend not to judge people for being the right or wrong of a relationship. Men and Women are both equally guilty in the affairs of the body or heart.  And I have known people who include the extra Martial activities and continue to be happy together. My big thing is don't lie about it. If you have to lie about it then you shouldn't be doing it.  Don't have a double standard.  If it is OK for you to go and get a Crse Wife then don't be shocked or want to " Kill" if she does. 

 

[Bzzliteyr]

Three things I told myself I would change for my next relationship after my ex common law wife and I split:

1. I will not lie.  Lying is hard and takes a lot of energy out of a person, trust me.

2. I will not cheat.  That kind of goes hand in hand with point 1 as it leads to lying and covering up which drains valuable resources you should be dedicating to the relationship.  And having seen what it does to a person, don't think I would want that to ever happen again.

3. Share your feelings.  You know how in every relationship, you significant other does one thing that gets on your nerves but you don't say anything then finally explode about it?  Don't do that!! Tell him/her the first time it happens (ie. "honey, when you put your feet on the coffee table, it irritates me") and then they know how it makes you feel.  It does not oblige them to change what they are doing but allows them to adjust it or not to make you happy.  I am talking about basic things, not overly extravagant things like "honey, when you don't give me all the money in your bank account, I get upset".  Oh, an be respectful of them when they do the same.  Discussion is a big factor here, people don't like to hurt other people's feelings but what hurts more, a small request or a big explosion ?

Which brings me to this.  I recently met a lovely lady and we fell "in love".. it was a great thing but had only been for a couple of months.  She avoided telling people about me cause she had recently broken up with her ex and didn't want people to think it was a rebound thing.. or so I thought, turns out she pulled a number 1 and 2 on me!!

Go figure, I reform then fall in love with a girl that hasn't!!  Karma is a pain in the a$$!!

 

[helpup]

Lying is not only hard and can take energy.  It is also more difficult to remember consistently then telling the truth.  And lets face it women are very very very good at holding entire conversations in a vault and able to recall the minutia about the littlest detail at a moments notice in the future.

For me Karma works.

 

[Harley Sailor]

No one has looked at the other side of the coin...  If she strays while you are away, it gives you permission to do the same...  We are by nature a pack animal... It is only our good christian up bring that has told us that we have to be monogamous... After loosing my kids because my wife cheated on me I now look at life a whole different way... I now discuss it with my girlfriends and they know I will stray while I am away... They also know they can as well... Neither of us stray while we are together...  What works for some does not always work for others...  It is hard to stray for the teaching of our parents, but we have done so in other things and lived...

 

[lovinmysapper]

Hey Guys
On behalf of the female gender I apologize for the hurt you have been through ESPECIALLY whilst deployed ....the nerve....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
My guy has been gone since June and returns April... I have been 100% faithful I Love, Respect, Admire, and Adore this man being in the sandbox is a scary time for both of us and the last thing that anyone ever needs is a cheating ass either at home or on deployment ... I do not know why people cheat.... Karma is always gonna sneak up and bite you in the butt!!!!! and then some.......
Seriously guys if your woman (cant call her a lady) cheated on you while you were in a WAR trust me she is gonna do it while your at Tim Hortons!
AND please remember there really are good "ladies" out there... the part that bugs me is this: after you have been cheated on the mistrust is thrown onto the next lady until its resloved .... friggin Cheaters!!!!!
PHEWWWW I feel better now !!!! LOL  :
Cheers

 

[helpup]

No one has looked at the other side of the coin...  If she strays while you are away, it gives you permission to do the same...  We are by nature a pack animal... It is only our good christian up bring that has told us that we have to be monogamous... After loosing my kids because my wife cheated on me I now look at life a whole different way... I now discuss it with my girlfriends and they know I will stray while I am away... They also know they can as well... Neither of us stray while we are together...  What works for some does not always work for others...  It is hard to stray for the teaching of our parents, but we have done so in other things and lived...

And for my moral compass that works, your being honest with her about it and no lies. Best of luck with it I have seen it work, and I have seen it not work. But at least this way you have a clear conscience

 

[helpup]

Hey Guys
On behalf of the female gender I apologize for the hurt you have been through ESPECIALLY whilst deployed ....the nerve....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
My guy has been gone since June and returns April... I have been 100% faithful I Love, Respect, Admire, and Adore this man being in the sandbox is a scary time for both of us and the last thing that anyone ever needs is a cheating *** either at home or on deployment ... I do not know why people cheat.... Karma is always gonna sneak up and bite you in the butt!!!!! and then some.......
Seriously guys if your woman (cant call her a lady) cheated on you while you were in a WAR trust me she is gonna do it while your at Tim Hortons!
AND please remember there really are good "ladies" out there... the part that bugs me is this: after you have been cheated on the mistrust is thrown onto the next lady until its resloved .... friggin Cheaters!!!!!
PHEWWWW I feel better now !!!! LOL  :
Cheers

Cool, a ladies perspective, and for allot of what you said about women as you can see from the posts there are allot of men out there that do not ( or have learned to be honest about it  )  I had a long talk with the wife about that and I know her feelings, she knows I am a bit more open about it then she is. My answer to her concern was. " you know that my outlook is more liberal then yours.  However I know you would leave me if I did. There for I would not as I would not want to see you hurt. I love being honest !!  ;D

 

[lovinmysapper]

Thank you!

I will be honest and tell you that I have been cheated ON... and know what that's all about! and the scars you bare! do I worry that my BF may cheat on me ...yes I do... am I scared NOPE... he has stated he knows what he has and how lucky he feels so I have to trust that .... BTW I have to say that expressing the events of cheating is healthy as long as you do not dwell on...and realize there truly are good people out there...
The story about the Tide Box in the window LOL I have seen that in Pet... but also you have to think about the spouses at home that hear all about deployment affairs! or the training quickies!!! its hard both ways... COMPLETE HONESTY can sometimes prove to be like a IED , think about that!!!! LOL hope I did not offend any of you!
Best thing to do is when you think about straying even just once,: How would he/she feel if they knew? and How would I feel if he/she did this to me? I swear you will walk away! IF you love that person you do not want them hurt ....heart broken...
Sorry Guys I kinda went on and on... Forgive me
Cheers

 

[AirCanuck]

good points.  This thread has really turned out to be interesting, as for the guy who posted earlier about his girlfriend making out with some dude at the bar, I'm not sure what to tell you.  Some people get really drunk and do something that they honestly regret and wouldn't repeat. 

Some people are just garbage.  It's up to you to decide which she is.

 

[helpup]

good points.  This thread has really turned out to be interesting, as for the guy who posted earlier about his girlfriend making out with some dude at the bar, I'm not sure what to tell you.  Some people get really drunk and do something that they honestly regret and wouldn't repeat. 

Some people are just garbage.  It's up to you to decide which she is.

I don't like the excuse of alcohol being the reason. I know everyone is differant in how they handle the affects but. If they do things that regret when drinking then they know that about themselves and yet go out and drink some more. Drinking loosens your inhibitions, but it does not create a person who was not inside of you before, it just allows that person to come to the surface.

I have been more then a bit inebriated before and doing something I shouldn't have been doing ( she wasn't single ) I stopped myself and left. Alcohol may of led me to the point but it is my personality that kept me from following through.

 

[theoldyoungguy]

long story short... she wants to go out.. i'm not comfortable with it, because of what she has done, but i dont want to say much against it, because that will push her away further.  I love her, and deep down i know she loves me.. i'm just so far away.  its a 4 months tasking, not quite a deployment, but a long time away from home either way.. especially for our first time apart.  but being a tasking, not a tour, there isn't much for support.

Im so frustrated, and scared. I dont want to lose her, but i cant let her walk all over me.  I'm getting help for my personal issues, but as far as the relationship, we aren't married, so i'm pretty much being told to cut her loose and to get over it.  ?????? I dont know.  This has been a bit of a rant/vent.. I do feel better getting it out though.  Thanks for reading.

Well that is a tough situation to be in, I'm not in your situation however I seem to have an abundance of experience with a similar situation . I will share with you my two cents on the situation, hopefully it helps.

From my own experience, I used to be an insecure person, by the time I married my ex I was generally a very secure and confident person, however I was terrified of her cheating on my when I was overseas. In heinsight that should have raised some alarms, but it did not. She was not supportive of my life goals and aspirations, nor was she supportive of what I was apart of in Afghanistan. It was all about her, and from my fear of losing her I played ball, and did whatever I could to appease her. Big mistake. That relationship was doomed to fail from the start. That is not to say I didnt love her, however I was in love with the idea of who I knew she could be, not what she was. My mistake, my pain, her benefit of having a good person like me and the financial, material, and emotional support for all those years. She had issues, I helped her grow as a person. When everything went to crap and she cheated on me, I was destroyed. I went through fits of rage, and complete depression, half of me wanted her back, half of me wanted to tell her where to go, and never look back. After time I obviously smartened up and chose the ladder. The thing I realised is the relationship I had was based on false pretenses and created emotions I made to make myself feel better about the crappy relationship. I never got what I needed as a person from her. After a lot of counselling to deal with my anger(pre exisiting which was dramatically increased from tour) and the end of my marriage, I realised I am way better off without her, and I am a lot happier by myself. a lot of self help, and talking with friends but I got over it and learned A LOT. It is when I realised I was happy without her, and that im a much stronger person for it, I met my current girlfriend. She is amazing. Its a complete 180 from my past experience. I could go on and explain how great this person is, however there is not much point. Point is it is when I was happy with myself, that I found someone. Women are very intuitive, they will pick up whats going through your head.

In my case my ex cheating on me was the best thing that could have happened. Its a pain in the neck to go thru the divorce but hey, live and learn. Keep on soldierin on. No one can tell you what to do, only you can make the decision whats best for you, but experience has shown me that it might be time for you to be honest with yourself about the situation. Counselling can help.

Good luck buds

 

[lovinmysapper]

Patriot!

WOW to read from the initial thread to today's note you have really come along way! and you are an inspiration to others that are travelling down this road now...CONGRATS to your success! I know it was not easy... but way 2 go!!! I hope you continue to update us...
Cheers...

Gumby!!
I am so sorry to read of your happenings... I really hope you get some comfort soon... 4 months hun is nothing really ...its nothing, Iam going into 8 I have gone out with my friends and hun I am still here and have been faithful...( we are not married either)seriously you being away for 4 months should bring you closer to each other not make her want to "make out" with someone else... NO EXCUSE accepted.... I know you love her sometimes love is not enough... and really do you want to for the rest of your life second guess her? retrusting is very hard... mind you it can be done!!!! Been there done that one... and wearing the T Shirt!!! LOL oh and still doing it!!!
There are great ladies in this world that you will never have to second guess, that you will simply be able to trust..and without trust what do you have... doubt etc...
Anyways if you need a woman's thought process at all I am here OK... all about the support for sure!!!!
Stay Safe.....

Cheers

 

[chriscalow]

thanks guys.  i'm pretty much a mess right now, and everything everyone says seems to gel with me.  im not going to decide anything until i get my wits about me.  i dont know, half the time I just feel numb, so filled with emotion that its like overload.  other times, i'll feel my chest being weighed down, and then my stomach goes in knots as I wonder.. just what is she doing right now?  who is she talking to?  why wont she answer phone?  she says she wants to work on it, especially when sober.  but then the weekends come, she is like two completely different people.  this is making me crazy, i'm glad i have an appointment with the therapist on monday, i usually feel a bit better for a little while when i come out of there. 

its so hard to cope, so far from home, especially on the weekend, so much time to just think, and have thoughts build up in my head.  i mean really, who gets excited for monday?

 

[AirCanuck]

thanks guys.  i'm pretty much a mess right now, and everything everyone says seems to gel with me.  im not going to decide anything until i get my wits about me.  i dont know, half the time I just feel numb, so filled with emotion that its like overload.  other times, i'll feel my chest being weighed down, and then my stomach goes in knots as I wonder.. just what is she doing right now?  who is she talking to?  why wont she answer phone?  she says she wants to work on it, especially when sober.  but then the weekends come, she is like two completely different people.  this is making me crazy, i'm glad i have an appointment with the therapist on monday, i usually feel a bit better for a little while when i come out of there. 

its so hard to cope, so far from home, especially on the weekend, so much time to just think, and have thoughts build up in my head.  i mean really, who gets excited for monday?

dude, that you feel she is a different person on the weekends... that's probably her real self poking through.  I'm not saying drop her, but give it a real hard look.

 

[Thompson_JM]

Well that is a tough situation to be in, I'm not in your situation however I seem to have an abundance of experience with a similar situation . I will share with you my two cents on the situation, hopefully it helps.

From my own experience, I used to be an insecure person, by the time I married my ex I was generally a very secure and confident person, however I was terrified of her cheating on my when I was overseas. In heinsight that should have raised some alarms, but it did not. She was not supportive of my life goals and aspirations, nor was she supportive of what I was apart of in Afghanistan. It was all about her, and from my fear of losing her I played ball, and did whatever I could to appease her. Big mistake. That relationship was doomed to fail from the start. That is not to say I didnt love her, however I was in love with the idea of who I knew she could be, not what she was. My mistake, my pain, her benefit of having a good person like me and the financial, material, and emotional support for all those years. She had issues, I helped her grow as a person. When everything went to crap and she cheated on me, I was destroyed. I went through fits of rage, and complete depression, half of me wanted her back, half of me wanted to tell her where to go, and never look back. After time I obviously smartened up and chose the ladder. The thing I realised is the relationship I had was based on false pretenses and created emotions I made to make myself feel better about the crappy relationship. I never got what I needed as a person from her. After a lot of counselling to deal with my anger(pre exisiting which was dramatically increased from tour) and the end of my marriage, I realised I am way better off without her, and I am a lot happier by myself. a lot of self help, and talking with friends but I got over it and learned A LOT. It is when I realised I was happy without her, and that im a much stronger person for it, I met my current girlfriend. She is amazing. Its a complete 180 from my past experience. I could go on and explain how great this person is, however there is not much point. Point is it is when I was happy with myself, that I found someone. Women are very intuitive, they will pick up whats going through your head.

In my case my ex cheating on me was the best thing that could have happened. Its a pain in the neck to go thru the divorce but hey, live and learn. Keep on soldierin on. No one can tell you what to do, only you can make the decision whats best for you, but experience has shown me that it might be time for you to be honest with yourself about the situation. Counselling can help.

Good luck buds

I dont know if we have all had something like this, but good lord this sounds A lot like my last relationship... minus the divorce and anger issues...  those came AFTER tour.....

And Gumby, it sounds like she will probabbly cause you more pain then happiness if you try to stick with her in the long run. she sounds like the kind of person who if she cant be with the one she loves, then she'll just love the one she is with.... 

sbe sounds like trouble... and I'm afraid it will just be a cycle of "I'm sorry's" and "I didn't mean to's" in your future.

Take care and I hope things work out for the best.

- Tommy