My Canadian military funding research essay

[ThatsLife]

Alright, I have half of my essay finished and I just wanted to post it here and see what you guys think of it and if anything is CONSIDERABLY inaccurate.

Here it is:

Canadian military:​

Show me the money​

    The Canadian military has been suffering from decades of decay. With ageing Sea King helicopters, fighter planes that are falling apart and a navy that's rusting away with age, Canada is in serious need of military funding. Canada hardly has the capability to aid our allies in times of war, such as the U.S.-led war on terrorism. Can Canada revive it's comatose military before it's too late?

    Canadians don't think military spending is our biggest concern. This is shown by the fact that "only 7% of Canadians want more scarce tax dollars to go to defence, while 72% want our resources to go to social programs like education and health care" (Stewart 2). But during times of war, will these social programs really be the answer to our countries' defence? We as Canadians, need to understand the fact that we are not on a seperate planet from the rest of the world. We seem to be very naive to the fact that we have no threat of terrorist attacks.

    "'The state that I fear most is the United States."' Hon. Douglas Roche O.C. (retired Canadian Senator). Canada's $12.3 billion defence budget, compared to the United States $500 billion, leaves Canada unable to make much of a military contribution. Although we can't increase security with more military spending, we can spend our dollars more wisely, and not gamble it off on military programs with no real benefit. For example,

    "$750 million wasted on used British submarines with a well-known history of design flaws, $174 million on a satellite communication system that was never used, $65 million for pilot training that was never taken, $155 million annually on the cadet program..." (Stewart 2). Why couldn't these tax dollars have been used more wisely, rather than spending frivolously on useless equipment?


--------------------------------END HERE (not done yet)


Any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Whether it be bad or good, or some information that is inaccurate that I should be aware of, ANYTHING would be great.

   


 

 

[Infanteer]

I'm not sure what you are trying to argue - you need to state, in plain English, what your thesis is in the first paragraph.  Say "In this essay I will argue that ________".

Other than that, I'm confused by the fact that you state that the CF is woefully underfunded, but then you hammer defence projects such as the subs and you point out that the US is our largest threat and that their is no point to increasing the defence budget due to their preponderence in military funding.

Keep trying.

 

[DogOfWar]

The Navy isnt "rusting away". It needs money but it can still perform. The fighter planes arent falling apart as well. Same thing- they need a cash infusion.

Why is he scared of the states? Just because they have a bigger budget? Sounds like the type of guy who is scared to use a urinal next to another guy.

You dont make an argument for or against.

 

[wotan]

I've read it three times and I'm still not sure what you're on about.  Have you considered a career in politics?

 

[BDG.CalgHighrs]

I'm not sure what you are trying to argue - you need to state, in plain English, what your thesis is in the first paragraph.   Say "In this essay I will argue that ________".

Other than that, I'm confused by the fact that you state that the CF is woefully underfunded, but then you hammer defence projects such as the subs and you point out that the US is our largest threat and that their is no point to increasing the defence budget due to their ppreponderancein military funding.

Keep trying.

He does need a thesis. In Highschool essays, however, you are generally not supposed to use the "this essay will argue" route; unless that is that things have changed in the few years since I graduated. I use similar segways into a thesis statement on some term-papers for my current degree, but I don't think it flys in highschool.

Other than that the cohesion is non-existant, and the train of 'argument'(read: ranting) has several innaccuracies and the whole thing doesn't appear to be going anywhere.

 

[MissMolsonIndy]

I've read it three times and I'm still not sure what you're on about.   Have you considered a career in politics?

Haha. If I didn't have thicker skin, I would take offence to that.

As per the essay:

I would have to agree with what has been said so far. While the Canadian army in comparison is severely underfunded, it isn't desolate, rusting away, or already in ruins. In fact, from what I've witnessed, it continues to function to a tee with the equipment and training available. Perhaps you should make an effort to describe how the Canadian Army could see major improvements and expansion with better funding and more public awareness.

Your thesis is missing altogether. You need to formulate a one-sentence argument on the issue, which will provide the gateway into what your paper will expand on.

In an essay, you should refrain from using "In this essay, I will argue duh deduh deduh..." You should never use the first person in a formal essay that isn't a subjective piece, and even then, you should be careful with how you use it.

Instead try something more along the lines of:

"The intent of this essay is..."

"The purpose of this essay is..."

Something that states intent, but excludes the first person. I've been writing papers for well over 5 years, and have never encountered problems with the above.

Goodluck.

 

[plattypuss]

My late two cents worth.
1)  Yes you need to work on the thesis statement, you have a fairly strong last statement which certainly grabs the attention of the reader, but you do not indicate what you plan on arguing in the rest of the essay;
2)  You have a large number of footnotes in a relatively short essay and you may want to expand what references you are using as the two I have seen (Stewart 2) are the same;
3)  You give a nice quote form a senator and you will need to footnote where you drew that from;
4)  Personally I felt that you have some meat there you just need to flush it out with some of your own thoughts.  I hope that it turned out all right for you...

BA in Military and Strategic Studies (Honours). A year ago I could not spell gradutate now I is one.