Afghanistan, is it worth it- Cheating Spouse Thread

[1feral1]

thanks guys.

i'm not crushed over this or regreting my decision, was just curious as to how difficult military relationships are. it's one thing nobody really covers except to say avoid certain types of women.

Consider youself lucky. Many get their 'Dear John' via phone or email. One bloke I knew was so devistated, he drowned his sorrows by eating a box of Kit Kats (and I mean a box) and drinking tins (and I mean tins) of Coke. To top it off, she left his apartment open and it was cleaned out, including his medals from previous trips. He was gutted. In Nov 08, the police found his medals and other stuff.

As for me, my now ex, left me after 6 days back from Baghdad. I was home less than one month out of 15. All ones plans (early retirement etc) and future down the toilet. A home which was paid off had to be refinanced, and my life was turned upside down by this and post deployment issues. I nearly did a crash and burn, but had a little common sense left to pull my self up from a nose dive. I now struggle like anyone else. I am alone by choice.

Like I said, consider yourself lucky. As for me now, nearly 3 yrs later, the more I date the more I love my two Siamese cats.

OWDU

EDITed for spelling

 

[theoldyoungguy]

I completely forgot about this thread I started waay back when. I guess I should give an update. Long story short, legally divorced a while back, bought a house and am now living with the same girl I've been with for about a year. Marriage is no where near the horizon. I now live by a new philosophy, GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING, don't do marriage unless kids are invovled(in which case your screwed anyways), and keep separate finances.

This may seem cynical, which I am. However it still makes good sense. Even my girlfriend agrees. If you have everything in writing and everything separated if you have large issues your not gonna be sticking around because your afraid of the outcome of leaving. You will stick around because you want to. You will know what you will have if you walk away. It seems very simple. It removes a lot of pressure. I don't believe in the whole, "We don't need a prenup because we trust and love eachother." That's BS. Play it smart. It will keep you honest and bring a lot less stress.

 

[Altair]

Consider youself lucky. Many get their 'Dear John' via phone or email. One bloke I knew was so devistated, he drowned his sorrows by eating a box of Kit Kats (and I mean a box) and drinking tins (and I mean tins) of Coke. To top it off, she left his apartment open and it was cleaned out, including his medals from previous trips. He was gutted. In Nov 08, the police found his medals and other stuff.

As for me, my now ex, left me after 6 days back from Baghdad. I was home less than one month out of 15. All ones plans (early retirement etc) and future down the toilet.

in hindsight, she was decent enough to do this before i left rather than while i was gone or just after i came back.

regardless, moving on, no big deal. going to avoid deep emotional relationships from now on though.

what did you mean about the cats?

 

[1feral1]

Pets give UNCONDITIONAL love, and the comment was tongue in cheek.

I am way over relationships. Two wives cost me 100's of thousands of dollars, and now at 50, a huge mortgage.

That being said, I will continue to date as required, but nothing serious.

Just be cautious.

Cheers,

OWDU

 

[BlueJingo]

Wow, that sucks OWDU... I'm sorry that some women have steered you right off relationships.

Give your cats a couple of hugs from me too!

 

[gunshy]

That is unfortunate OWDU but I agree

Pets give UNCONDITIONAL love

  :nod:

Being single by choice is a good frame of mind... cautious and guarded don't blame you one bit!

gunshy

 

[SoldierInTheMaking]

Well in my situation...I'm 19 years old I've been dating this girl almost 8 months, she new coming into this relationship that I was planing on joining the army. I can tell she clearly doesn't want me to go and sometimes she makes it quite clear. We've had our long talks numerous amounts of times and I really want to work things out with this girl. But I feel as if we do stay together, that she's going to break up with me while I'm gone training...because she said herself, she can't do long distance. So pretty much that says it, I just don't know what to do though. I rather deal with the emotions now then deal with them while I'm at training.

 

[Altair]

been there, not a pleasant situation.

all i can say in the way of advice is resolve it before you leave. basic is hard enough without going through a breakup right before or during it.

if she has any reservations now, i imagine they are going to get worst while you're away doing something she isn't supportive of.

i know you want to be with her and join the forces, but it seems that's not possible here, so it comes down to what you want more.

hope this helps.

 

[SoldierInTheMaking]

It does help, but I'm just confused right now. I'm going to use this time that I have until I leave to try and understand things a bit more, talk with her more and see what she's feeling. I know this girl loves me to death, and it's not that she isn't supportive of what I want to do with my life because she does support me. It's just were young, her being 2 years younger then me and were use to hanging out and spending everyday together and with me leaving, it changes things....we wont be able to see eachother or talk to eachother when we want. I know what I want though, I want this for my life and I want her and me to work through this. I just need to know she's in the same state of mind that I'm in and that she is willing to make things work. Only time will tell I guess..

 

[DFandE]

I feel for you buddy! I was on the other end of this stick. My husband, rank of Major, got his jollies off with a WO clerk for the nine months he was in Afghanistan. I wish they would have been caught, charged and sent home. I found out because her fiance PHONED ME!  I confronted my husband and he said it was true. Of course, neither were charged...I just feel like an idiot. Here I am "Keeping the homefires burning" - supported him 100% for many years, my whole life was "being a good supportive army wife" and  he took that all for granted. Well lets just say - that's not happening anymore.

The worst part is - we've always been buddies - always been friends - its not as if I'm some nagging wife who doesn't understand military life! Anyway - I'm the shmuck who waited and waited for a phone call or a MSN chat. Meanwhile he's buying this WO Icecaps at Tim Hortons and "too busy" to call. The kids are worried about their dad, and he's doing his thing in Afghanistan. What a hero!

Since then he's repented a thousand times - and of course, me STILL being the shmuck - have forgiven him. But I'm telling you, my life has changed. I used to be a proud army wife! I had a bumper magnet that said "I love my soldier"...I was so proud. I was proud to be an army wife! Proud of keeping the house together, making banners for his homecoming! Tying yellow ribbons around the tree on our front lawn.

I feel the betrayal of anyone in this situation - no matter which side it comes from.
I'm not a proud army wife anymore - just DF&E...I can't look at a yellow ribbon without cringing.
Sorry for being so over-dramatic.

 

[vonGarvin]

DFandE:
I'm sorry that this has happened to you.  And don't worry about ranting on here, we've all been known to from time to time.


Hope things get better for you

 

[1911CoLt45]

Yea goes to show some people and their mind set.  As far as the younger members here are concerned wait till your older and the hormones have slowed down.  Joining the army and having a girlfriend or boyfriend you love are two intense things. at younger ages  Think whats going to be there 20 years down the line at that age.  Your job, or your high school romance.  People change, make the right decisions and use the head that's top side of your waist.

 

[DFandE]

Thanks for letting me rant! I've kept it secret from our three kids, my parents, my friends...never said a word to anyone. I didn't want them to hate my husband, because, all in all, he's a decent guy. People obviously knew we were having issues but they figured it was a case of "Afghanistan Blues" and of course you know how people judge. I figured I would forgive him eventually - we've been friends since we were little kids. But I knew if I told anyone they would be less likely to forgive. I didn't want the kids to suffer just because their dad f*cked up big time. Afghanistan is a crap  hole of a place. I kind of understand - but honestly, I'd rather he just come home and beat the crap out of me rather than this happen. At least I could have hit back.

Anyway - it feels good to tell the truth! It feels good to get it out. I knew that if I wrote what happened here - you people would truly understand.

Anyway - one thing that does make me feel better is the fact she tried to blackmail him - but of course I already knew about the affair and he went and told his boss at work already too so blackmail wasn't going to work. 
You can't blackmail someone who's already told his wife. My husband wanted to call the MP's but I said that if the media got a hold of the story the kids would be hurt beyond belief (they're all teens)...sooo...I sent her an email saying that I already knew about the affair and she could give me a call if she wanted to chat, compare notes, whatever. lol That was the end of the correspondence. 

Right - enough of that. I won't mention it again. I just thank you all for a place where I'm understood. I'd never be able to write this on a civy website. They'd think I was crazy to stay with him. You know, they don't quite understand military life.

Cheers and THANK YOU!

 

[Kat Stevens]

I've got to say, you're made of better stuff than me.  I understand military life too, and there would have been a shit storm of hellfire to rival the Plagues of Egypt, we're talking old testament smackdown.  Forgiveness is for the priests to hand out, not my department.

 

[1feral1]

Thanks for letting me rant! I've kept it secret from our three kids, my parents, my friends...never said a word to anyone. I didn't want them to hate my husband, because, all in all, he's a decent guy. People obviously knew we were having issues but they figured it was a case of "Afghanistan Blues" and of course you know how people judge. I figured I would forgive him eventually - we've been friends since we were little kids. But I knew if I told anyone they would be less likely to forgive. I didn't want the kids to suffer just because their dad f*cked up big time. Afghanistan is a crap  hole of a place. I kind of understand - but honestly, I'd rather he just come home and beat the crap out of me rather than this happen. At least I could have hit back.

Anyway - it feels good to tell the truth! It feels good to get it out. I knew that if I wrote what happened here - you people would truly understand.

Anyway - one thing that does make me feel better is the fact she tried to blackmail him - but of course I already knew about the affair and he went and told his boss at work already too so blackmail wasn't going to work. 
You can't blackmail someone who's already told his wife. My husband wanted to call the MP's but I said that if the media got a hold of the story the kids would be hurt beyond belief (they're all teens)...sooo...I sent her an email saying that I already knew about the affair and she could give me a call if she wanted to chat, compare notes, whatever. lol That was the end of the correspondence. 

Right - enough of that. I won't mention it again. I just thank you all for a place where I'm understood. I'd never be able to write this on a civy website. They'd think I was crazy to stay with him. You know, they don't quite understand military life.

Cheers and THANK YOU!

At least you found out about and he knows. Sorry to hear of your situation. You are much more forgiving than I ever could be.

Regards,

OWDU

 

[blacktriangle]

Meanwhile he's buying this WO Icecaps at Tim Hortons and "too busy" to call. The kids are worried about their dad, and he's doing his thing in Afghanistan. What a hero!

I just hope the good Maj ensured the Privates under his command were in MOPP 4 gear...

 

[GAP]

Good on you for working it out DFandE...............not easy, but people make stupid mistakes. Love the comeback on comparing notes.... ;D

 

[TFLY]

That being said, I will continue to date as required, but nothing serious

As Required...that's funny.  ;D

 

[DFandE]

Loving the picture re: " Afghanistan - experiences may vary."
Oh that's too funny - and realistically tragic.
I'm grateful the female WO clerk that enjoyed my husbands company in KAF wasn't in this picture - I think I would have fainted.

I feel for anyone who has experienced this sort of betrayal. I think I said that before. Regardless, I truly do. For the spouses on tour or TD  etc. who are cheated on while they're away my heart goes out to you. For those who kept the "homefires burning" I feel your pain.

What the heck do we have to do to find people who are sincere and trustworthy in this military world? E-Harmony Military Style?

Question 1: Would you have an affair while deployed or while your spouse was deployed?

 

[SoldierInTheMaking]

I don't mean to rant on about this but things were resolved I guess you could say, and my girlfriend left me. This is the second time she left me since my last rant about this, there will definitely not be a third..it's time to focuss on me. I try and keep a positive attitude and not think about it but everything happens for a reason, right? I'm still young, there will be plently more I'm sure